Today's BLESSINGS

Well hello there! I have been off lately, not doing nothin' exactly, just doing so much of every thing that blogging has been on the back burner for me! I guess this blog is really more of a place for me to compose my own stuff. This is the rhythm  of my own life, my self indulgent space that is out there in cyberspace for anybody, and apparently nobody but me! So, yeah... Whatever! I needed a place where I could journal my thoughts, my life and what not! Maybe this is just like some sort of cyber "footprint" I will leave on this planet as proof that I exist! Ha, hope there's more evidence to my life than this blog! Like the legacy of love I leave behind for my children. I believe in freedom, free love... Not like the 60s hippie free love that led to the sexual revolution, but more like Love without guilt kinda free love. I am so happy that my kids love me and I know ( you can't see me now, but I am clapping my hands! See what I did there..." If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" Get it?) okay whatever,  anyhizzle I am free. My kids are free. I have reflected a sense of freedom to them, and yet I know I am loved by them, and they know that they are loved by me.  Few relationships on this planet are free. I guess I should state that my kids are young adults, so for a long long while, I did not feel free. I was bound to them, bound by love. It was a wonderful, terrible time in my life. Somedays I felt like a prisoner of love! I survived home schooling three kids and marriage (to the same man) for twenty years! I am living the dream, reaping what I have sown- honestly I am exhausted! But the kind of exhaustion you feel when you lay your head down to sleep after a long productive day... A sense of awesome pride of accomplishment that finally is allowing me to rest has come over me like a warm blanket and I just want to bottle this and share it with anyone who needs rest! I feel so blessed. I am also feeling really scattered right now. Like i am drifting off to sleepytown... i started to blog a few minutes ago to share the love, and wow... i really am exhausted.  I hope you don't mind, but I think I will take a nap now! Sweet dreams!

BLACK FRIDAY!

November 2012

...So, Today is Black Friday, and I have just realized how very content I am in life! We are so very blessed. Even when there is so much to complain about, I recognize how much more is their to praise GOD for!

Last night when we left my parents house our bellies were full and our spirits were soaring! We had rented a movie from the red box in Wal-Mart which nedded to be returned by 9:00 p.m. As my son and I approached the intersection of the roads where Wal-Mart is located in our home town we were astonished... The crowds of people were a sight to see! People coming and going, scurrying about like mice after their cheese! I told my son I was so glad that we didn't need anything. I was so thankful that were were simply there to return a movie. I was fully aware at that point how thankful I am that we really don't NEED anything! Sure, there are so many things that we want ... things we simply have to live without, so what?

I have come to the realization that if we look for stuff with the anticipation of getting something we could talk ourselves into the disappointments of having to do without... On the flip side of that last statement, if we live our lives with contentment and don't even look at the stuff we don't have, we'll then ignorance is bliss! I live right there in that mentality... And I and blissfully content!

I am saved,  I not not going to hell, I have reason to be more than just content!

Blessings,
Shawnie

These are a few of my favorite things...

...Raindrops on Roses? Check!
...Whiskers on kittens? Nah, thanks anyway... I don't like kittens... now wait a minute and let me explain! I am allergic to cats and they make me sneeze a whole lot so before you go accusing me of being a horrible person take a compassionate moment to understand me!

I love to  take pictures... love to blog... love to bead, sew and create things... so I have decided to begin sharing some of the pix of some of the things I have made and things I like... things I am learning about and, well.... you get the picture!

Speaking of pictures... here is a picture of the last thing I made. It is a Boho wrap bracelet. Inspired by designer Chan Luu and some of my favorite things: Fall colors and the Northern Lights (a.k.a. Aurora Borealis)... I might try to post a tutorial on my blog on how I made this... if anyone is interested leave me a comment below!
Blessings,
Shawnie

Life is sifting me...

... and honestly being sifted reminds me of that falling feeling... it definitely feels uncomfortable, yet being somewhat of an adrenaline junkie I think, "YEAH, LET'S DO THIS!"

I know that I am not alone... That I am not simply free falling through the universe anxiously awaiting for where (or worse, how) I am gonna land!

We are told in the Bible to "be anxious for nothing"... GOD help me not to be anxious!

I had a nice long talk with my Pastor and his wife today about my absence from church lately... and they prayed with me and blessed and released me. I feel a sense of closure, and still a free fall spiritually... I am comforted by the compassionate Holy Spirit who is currently the only one who is aware of my fragile state of mind. I can not explain myself very well, without sounding like a drama queen, because I am very aware of my sense of drama lately.

I want to cry a lot, and I find my thoughts are often leading me toward lonliness... those thoughts are not TRUTH.

TRUTH is holding me in the palm of HIS hand tonight... TRUTH is reminding me right now that I matter... That I was (and am) created for a purpose... TRUTH is filling me with love and peace and I trust that TRUTH will speak to me in my dreams tonight, leading me, and guiding me into all TRUTH. MY CREATOR THINKS I AM TO DIE FOR... TO HIM I'M KIND OF A BIG DEAL!!!

Sunday Morning!

September 16, 2012

Good Morning! I was going to just jump right into this blog without explanation of my absence from blogging for two months, but I feel I do at least owe you (me, the reader) an explanation... here goes: I have been going through some changes, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually & financially and I just have not been bloggin' about them for one reason because I don't think I "have" any readers, and for another reason it has been a challenge just to get thru the day. I have a lot on my mind, and putting it all down in a blog may be a bit overwhelming for a reader... and besides who cares anyway?

Well, I decided that I started this blog as my own personal online journal, and journaling is good for my soul. With that said, my soul has been getting beaten up lately and overwhelmed by my thoughts. I decided to even the odds in all fairness to my soul and shed some light on my very dark thoughts. These thoughts are not dark in that I would like to hurt anyone, just dark and foreign to me... I don't understand them, so I thought I would blog about them. When I journal (or blog) it helps me.  It is like vomiting out the poison after drinking too much... I feel like I am having a spiritual hangover... BLAH~ZAY! So in an effort toward healing I will blog all about it!

Today I would like to share with you some changes that I am beginning to be aware of, things that have occured within me over time... changes that I am not quite sure if I understand or even if I like (or dislike for that matter!). I am a little confused about my own feelings of complacency toward church, and corporate worship.

You see, today is Sunday, and I am feeling spiritually Bi-polar! On the one end I am so grateful that I no longer feel the need to keep up with the crowd and head to church on Sunday morning, and on the other end, I am certainly feeling left behind.

I have a lot of friends who attend church, and many who do not! I know a lot of people who take Sunday morning to go fishing or hunting or to the mall...whatever... they just don't do church.

My personal experiences on past Sunday mornings have been spent trying to beat the clock, and playing the role of Drill Sargent, and  this has finally taken its toll on my spirit, and it has left me feeling less than "in the mood" for church. Isn't it interesting how contaagious a bad attitude is??? Historically, my kids and I would most often show up at church feeling frazzled and frustrated (yeah, I admit it was usually because of me & my bad attitude!). I was always disappointed in my self for my unrestrained outbursts of anger all the way to church toward my non-compliant children and my left behind husband, who is to this day shamelessly & regularly not attending church! I don't believe that shame is from GOD so I am actually happy for my husband that he does not feel bad for not attending church... I mean I don't want him to be ashamed, I just want him to show up, pay attention to the sermon, participate in worship & grow spiritually! I will let you in on another conclusion that I have recently come to... even though I am married to a wonderful man, I have believed for many years that I was spiritually single, and I did't like it one bit! Now? Now I really don't judge my husband's actions (or lack thereof) and I have come to the conslusion that on Sunday mornings, if I can't beat him, I'll join him. I don't want to jump through hoops and try anymore (physically). Spiritually is totally different story though. I pray, I read my BIBLE and I believe that GOD has us in the palm of HIS hand... wherever we may be.

Like I already mentioned, I am married to a wonderful man who does not attend church, never really regularly has and has no desire at this point to change. I have been praying, pleading and expecting this to change for 20 years, but so far I've got a husband who claims he is "saved" and yet he has no desire to go to church. In all of these years I have had my own opinion about his salvation, and yes, I have already asked  GOD to forgive me for judging him! I have formed my opinion of my husband's salvation experience simply because he does not attend church, or read his Bible or seem to want to grow at all spiritually. I realize now that it is not my job to manipulate or coerce or even try to change him... that's GOD's job. My job is simply to be an example of GOD's LOVE... PATIENTLY BE AN EXAMPLE OF GOD'S LOVE...which ironicly I find difficult at times as it causes me to constantly run to GOD to ask HIM to change me, to forgive me when I get frustrated with my husband or kids, and to keep ME in line and on the right spiritual path leading me to a right relationship between GOD and me!!!   I love my husband and would like to see him as the spiritual leader of this home, but that is between him and GOD... and right now I am not really sure where I fit in to that relationship (other than to pray and talk to GOD openly and honestly and quietly so as not to ignite a conflict between my husband and I). I realize that when I take it to GOD in prayer, then HE "talks" to my husband, and I don't need to fuss or worry... I can simply trust GOD that He's got this... and I do TRUST GOD! (Hence my little picture on the side bar of my blog... "KEEP CALM & TRUST GOD") It is the "KEEP CALM" part that I find trying, not the "TRUST GOD" part, since GOD has never let me down!

In the past on Sunday mornings I would arrive at church extremely rushed and angry, only to have to switch gears immediately so that I could even muster up the strength to WORSHIP my Creator... Don't get me wrong... I love to worship GOD, I love JESUS and I am truly and sincerely a worshipper. I am grateful for HIS Mercy, HIS Love and HIS incredible compassion for me. But lately I have been having a hard time with the whole corporate worship thing. I have a wonderful pastor and worship team at the church I attend so that is not the problem... and sometimes I will "attend" the church online... since it goes live online.  There are times when my body aches, and I don't feel like getting dressed and being around people and that is why I choose to stay home.

I'll be honest, here too...there are some people in particular that I just don't like to be around at church, (hey, we are not going to get along with all the people all the time, right?) ... and I have truely tried to get along with some people, but I confess I do recognize that some people are ummmm... difficult.

One lady I ran into recently in the parking lot of Wal-Mart came up to me and said, "Oh, I was waiting to see if you were going to speak to me--- YOU STUCK UP THANG!" (really, her words exactly!!!) hmm, now I am not stuck up, I honestly did not see her, because I had a lot on my mind and I don't see distance without my glasses. (I am near sighted!) It is just people like her that make me want to crawl back into the bed and give up on going out into public and getting accused of being "a stuck up thang!" So... add another prayer request of "Forgive me, GOD & help me not hate people like her" to my list of prayers along with "help me LORD to love the unlovable" ~~~ Hmm, maybe I should just stop praying that little prayer, 'cause GOD's going to respond to that prayer by giving me opportunities to mix with the unlovable and get my feelings hurt, right?!

I have had some pain in my body and sickness off and on for the past few months and staying home in bed on Sunday morning (TO REST MY EXTREMELY BATTLE WEARY BODY ON THE DAY OF REST) has been winning out over the whole fighting with my family, putting on a fake smile and pretending that whole "I'm O'kay/ You're O'kay" act. For the record, I'm not really O'kay, and I am pretty sure you're not either, so why fake it? Why pretend? Maybe I just need a break, huh?

Not lookin' for any sympathy here or any fixes... This is just me being raw and open... and hoping not to offend anyone, but I am finally willing to risk offense for the sake of honesty...REALLY, I am! I know that my church family is good about admitting that they don't have it all together. They are a really down to earth group of people, we share and we have had some ladies Bible studies that been real eye openers. I have some really good relationships with some of the women at my church.

For the record, something is changing and it is me!!! ME! I feel like a fake, like a poser, like a fraud and that is becoming extrememly hard for me to ignore while I am up there on the front row, praising GOD like nobody's business and being broken over and over again. I am not an extremely needy person. In fact I prefer to spend time alone with GOD, so I totally understand my husband's lack of interest in church as a whole. But protecting that time alone with GOD (my personal BIBLE study and prayer time) takes all the energy I've got lately.

Every Sunday morning I felt it was my duty as the spiritual leader of my home to wake up the resistant (my kids who did not "feel" like going to church, the same ones who would resent me all week for making them go with me). I confess, most Sunday mornings my bad attitude and frustrations were very hard to mask. I would drive my family to church feeling anxious trying to get to church on time... their reluctance in going to church would more often than not show up in their slower than molasses movements in getting ready and getting out the door. My husband was no help, since he himself was still asleep! As the years went by his lack of concern for the spiritual welfare of our family gave the kids ammunition to use against me in the fight I now understand to be spiritual warfare, and honestly I have battle fatigue. I have spent the past 20 years of my life on the front lines of this spiritual warfare and I am shell shocked and battle weary... Instead of screaming and shouting out orders like the drill sargent, now I have decided to become the silent partner in this relationship between GOD, my family and I. I have become a prayer warrior Princess! 

If you could see her, my spiritual self is covered with war paint! My spiritual muscles are strong, and I have a spiritual six pack (instead of a muffin top with a flabby belly!) My spiritual self sparkles and shines and she is a joy to be around!

I imagine my spiritual WARRIOR PRINCESS self speaking to GOD standing before HIM (spiritually) in front of HIS throne and I know HE hears me. I know that I don't have to shout, beg or plead... I simply speak and because of my relationship with JESUS CHRIST (HE is my Saviour) my voice is heard. I am met with compassion, for my frustrations... Instead of manipulation and trying to convince GOD to help me, HE shows me MERCY and GRACE and LOVE! HE loves my husband and our children more than I do, I know this to be a fact... because HE loves me so much more than my own parents love me, and I have been blessed with the most loving parents on the planet!!!

I am not jaded, not feeling like I want to give up... I am just "going through" a season right now that I don't really understand. It is really, really weird for me to not "want" to go to church on Sunday morning... but I admit... I don't want to go to church. I don't want to feel like I am missing out, either, but that is not what is going to get me back in the doors.  I want to be on fire... I want to want to go. I will be back I am sure, I know that verse that says not to forsake the gathering of the saints, and I do still gather with the saints... just not on Sunday mornings. I pray that GOD would ignite a fire within my soul. A burning desire to be HIS witness, HIS minister of TRUTH, HIS minister of LOVE and COMPASSION and HEALING... HIS minister of JOY & PEACE & PATIENCE & KINDNESS & GOODNESS & GENTLENESS & FAITHFULNESS & I thank GOD for SELF CONTROL.

Blessings,
Shawnie

OUCH!

July 3, 2012


Today I am having some back & neck issues... probably due to my body structure & front issues! I had to go see a chiropractor today (thanks to my Mama pretty much insisting on it) and I was blown away by the stuff I learned about my spine! I had an adjustment which has already affected my sinuses in a positive way. I have had sever seasonal allergies this year and I have been sneezing entirely too much. A couple of weeks ago I woke myself up sneezing in the middle of the night, and I wrenched my neck and back in the process causing me to be in pain for several weeks!  Sheesh, like Mama says, "Growin' old 'aint for sissies!"

I had to take a few days off of Hcg, and I am about ready to jump back in, since I now feel like I am already wanting to eat sugar...(oops...too late... I mean ...I confess... I already had some sugar...... I am a sugar junkie!) I don't know where I went wrong, but I gotta get right back on track... We'll see what tomorrow brings... I pray for strength!

This is no battle of the bulge...THIS IS WAR!

Blessings,
Shawnie

Hcg Journey begin(again)

July 1, 2012

First let me start by sharing my Hcg history:

In 2010 I was desperate to find an answer to a lifelong battle of the bulge... I found Hcg! At that time I was going through a difficult season in my marriage, my work and with my kids. I was miserable with myself mainly because of my weight... I had totally "let myself go".  I was terribly depressed, and I was not eating healthy or excersizing. I felt like a marshmellow... a not so mellow marshmellow! I found out about Hcg through Youtube VLOGs (I kinda' stumbled over it when I was on Youtube and typed in "Weight loss" and kept coming up with VLOGs with "hcg" in their title). I began to do my own research about it.  I had no clue what Hcg was at that time, but like I said I was desperate and felt that I had "asked" for help...you know, cried out to GOD with that desperate prayer of "Help! I can't keep going on like this!" and I believed that HE had guided me to the answer in Hcg.  I have a lot of faith in GOD (not so much in myself, as I have failed myself miserably so often in the past!) You see, GOD has NEVER failed me... not EVER!

I can not really explain in words how I know when it is GOD answering my prayers... I just know!  I had done enough research to know that Hcg was not a quick fix (answer to prayer usually is not), so I continued to study it out. I soon found out that Hcg is NOT a cheater's way out of years of abusing my body, no in fact it is just the opposite! I found out that choosing Hcg would require commitment to a healthy lifestyle (as well as militant self control!). I felt like Hcg was a "do over" for me... an opportunity to reprogram the hormones in my body that were working against me. So that is how it went for me with Hcg, I fell in love with the concept and decided it was for me! Long story short, I was VERY successful with Hcg.

I bought my Hcg online and mixed it myself at home (I watched "Mama Clock" on Youtube to find out "how to mix Hcg"). I took my daily doses of sublingual Hcg and over the course of a few short months I released 64 pounds! I was on top of the world! I looked great (IMHO) and I felt amazing mentally, physically & emotionally. I never addressed my emotional eating issues though, and with the passage of time (two years now), relaxing the "rules" of my diet (no sugar, no starch) I began to slowly gain again.

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT:

I did not have as much information two years ago that I do now, nor did I have the knowledge about Leptin (the hormone that I needed to befriend!) and I knew very little about emotional eating. I surprised myself and many others two years ago when I lost a whopping 64# on Hcg, but when I quit taking the Hcg and my choices in food were not so black & white...I began to backslide. Since then I wandered back into my old (bad) habits of eating whatever I want, whenever I want, as much as I want. That does not work so well for me (or for anyone from what I can tell!) I have gained back most of the weight (approx. 50#) because I went back to bad habits. I can not really say that I did not know better, I just kinda' ignored the fact that I am an addict. I am addicted to emotional eating and sugar, and many things that affect my body adversely. I wanna' go to re-hab. Emotional Re-hab! Food Re-hab! Lifestyle Re-hab!!!   

I am in process of learning a whole bunch more about the things I did wrong the first time I used the Hcg Protocol, and I am excited to embark on this hcg journey again. I bought a book called WEIGHT LOSS APOCALYPSE BY Robin Woodall that has really motivated me to dig deeper, and it has given me new information for "this time around" (on Hcg). I believe that "this time around" will be the last time around the hormonal hamster wheel, and once I release all that my body deems adipose tissue I will maintain my healthy body weight using the Hunger Scale Robin teaches in her book! GOD bless Robin Woodall, she doesn't even know I exist, but she has managed to change my life for the better!

I am no quitter... I am just a girl with an extremely strong will to succeed at being herself!!!

As I was releasing weight two years ago, people came outta' the woodwork asking all kinds of questions. How was I losing so much weight? How did I look so healthy? (I was lookin' goooooood!) Was I in love? Hahaha!! Of course, the moment I began to talk about Hcg there were ignorant people who wanted to get into a heated conversation about it with me...duh, the same people who were seeing how healthy I looked and how successful the weight loss was for me. Can I just ask...why do people feel it is any of their business (my weight) ??? Huh? I realize that now I am opening myself up online and giving information about my experiences, but back then I was fragile sorta'... I was just learning about Hcg, and trying to share my good news with people who seemed genuinely interested. They were not! There are many who live their lives as skeptics... those are the one's that have NEVER put forth any effort to have any kind of friendship with me, those are the ones that want to warn me that Hcg is "Dangerous"!  Or, really??? REALLY?! Nah, I don't listen to ignorant people, OR to the drama queens who want to instill fear in me, tryin' to tell me how Hcg is dangerous?! C'mon people, its really Dangerous to be fat... where was your "concern" for me when I was eating junk food, and eating because I was so depressed? Uh... were you there expressing your concern for me when I was walking through my darkest hours? No! Of course not! I felt lonely, sad and depressed... Isoloated...no one ever reached out to me then...no one ever voiced their concern for me when I was emotionally distraught and felt like a caged animal... imprisoned in my own fat, by my own doing, in my own body... I am not angry with people for not reaching out to me then, but I don't want to hear their "concerns" when I have finally seen a light at the end of the dark tunnel and I am running for my life toward it... if I were a paranoid sort I would think that certain people want to trip me and watch me fall again. I am not paranoid though, and I think it better to keep the Hcg on the down-lo this time, not sharing with people I do life with, but journaling here for those searching for some answers for themselves!!!  I don't mean to sound so cynnical, but I have decided that those "concerned"  about me have a deeper, hidden undercurrent of other reasons to try to sway me away from Hcg... either they are caddy, or shallow or jealous... probably... I'm just sayin'! People really like you to agree with them, whether they are right or wrong! Misery loves company, REALLY!  Have you noticed that, peole want to tell you their "argument" and they just love when you are in agreement with them... when you are persuaded by them to their side of the argument??? Shoo, it makes 'em feel like they have won something.  Whatever! I don't care if people agree with me or not about Hcg, I would just rather not hear the negativity this time around... If people do not agree with Hcg, that is fine... it is not for everyone... besides I am not trying to persuade anyone to do anything... I am writing these BLOGS so that my future self can come back and read them... as a written testimony of my personal journey on HCG again... and if others wanna read what I have learned great! I hope it helps them too, but I am not writing this BLOG for anyone but for my own research! I have seen many people who have tried to do what I did with HCG and failed. I feel sorry for them for not being committed to their own success by having the self control it takes to stick to Hcg. NOTE TO SELF: Do not tell people I am back on Hcg!!! I don't want anyone's opinion!!! I have made up my mind to do this for myself, and it is nobody's business!!! That said, hahaha, I am "sharing" this info. with the universe via the internet!!! But seriously? I am not asking anyone's opinion!!! So if you leave comments I will delete them, I have a one track mind, and I do not care that I sound like a two year old!!!

^ THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS BLOG IS ABOUT ^

I am writing this BLOG (and probably a few more) as an online journal about my Hcg journey. I know that Hcg is controvercial, and that is why I will state up front that what I write about is my own personal accumulation of information and not to be used by anyone in place of their own wisdom. I am sure that Hcg is not for everyone, but I believe it is for me. I am not a Doctor, nor am I trying to give anyone advice... this is just a BLOG about my journey!

Ok, now...that said ^  I am going to link (below) to some BLOGs and VLOGs (videos on YouTube) that I find helpful :

www.weightlossapocalypse.blogspot.com

Robin Woodall seems to me to be on the frontline of Hcg research, and has discovered so much information that is really making sense to me. Right now I am learning about Leptin and its role in what has been keeping me on this hamster wheel of a horrible hormone cycle... I would also like to give my "stats" here:

I am 45 years old (as of June 11, 2012)
I am 5'8" tall
I weigh 214.0 as of this morning, buck nekked!
I started Hcg on June 19, 2012 and my start weight was 221.2
I have not (yet) done my measurements, but will do so soon and put those in future stats
I may (or may not) upload pix of my journey because I am not sure I have any recent pix!

Ok, so I am going to be giving some (Very) personal information on this blog like girlie period stuff and other personal info. as well as mushy stuff like my feelings and thoughts along the way.
SO: You have been warned!!!

Of course there are many people who have passionate opinions about Hcg... but things that are controvercial do not make me skeptical, they get me intrigued! I have the right to decide what is best for me, so I am moving forward paying attention to both my body and the Hcg controvercy... people who say they have studied it out are either for it or they are against it... love it or hate it...that seems to be the way things go in my life! Hahaha, my husband is a great example of that... when people meet him they either love him or they hate him... I obviously love him...but that is another blog altogether!

 Is it Controvercy or Drama that motivates people to talk about Hcg when they do not know what they are talking about... or is it jealousy? Bingo! I think most people are jealous when they see someone else's success... how sad! I was always taught (by my parents) to be happy for someone else's good fortune.... not envious or jealous. So I hope that anyone reading this can find information that may give them hope that there is always a different path you can take when the stumbling blocks in life have you believing that there is no way out... no way out of the prison of fat that your body seems to be in right now...there is a way out... ya' just gotta' pray and ask GOD, trust that HE will guide you to the right path for you...Hcg may or may not be it for you, but I believe it is right for me!

Blessings,
Shawnie