BLACK FRIDAY!

November 2012

...So, Today is Black Friday, and I have just realized how very content I am in life! We are so very blessed. Even when there is so much to complain about, I recognize how much more is their to praise GOD for!

Last night when we left my parents house our bellies were full and our spirits were soaring! We had rented a movie from the red box in Wal-Mart which nedded to be returned by 9:00 p.m. As my son and I approached the intersection of the roads where Wal-Mart is located in our home town we were astonished... The crowds of people were a sight to see! People coming and going, scurrying about like mice after their cheese! I told my son I was so glad that we didn't need anything. I was so thankful that were were simply there to return a movie. I was fully aware at that point how thankful I am that we really don't NEED anything! Sure, there are so many things that we want ... things we simply have to live without, so what?

I have come to the realization that if we look for stuff with the anticipation of getting something we could talk ourselves into the disappointments of having to do without... On the flip side of that last statement, if we live our lives with contentment and don't even look at the stuff we don't have, we'll then ignorance is bliss! I live right there in that mentality... And I and blissfully content!

I am saved,  I not not going to hell, I have reason to be more than just content!

Blessings,
Shawnie

These are a few of my favorite things...

...Raindrops on Roses? Check!
...Whiskers on kittens? Nah, thanks anyway... I don't like kittens... now wait a minute and let me explain! I am allergic to cats and they make me sneeze a whole lot so before you go accusing me of being a horrible person take a compassionate moment to understand me!

I love to  take pictures... love to blog... love to bead, sew and create things... so I have decided to begin sharing some of the pix of some of the things I have made and things I like... things I am learning about and, well.... you get the picture!

Speaking of pictures... here is a picture of the last thing I made. It is a Boho wrap bracelet. Inspired by designer Chan Luu and some of my favorite things: Fall colors and the Northern Lights (a.k.a. Aurora Borealis)... I might try to post a tutorial on my blog on how I made this... if anyone is interested leave me a comment below!
Blessings,
Shawnie

Life is sifting me...

... and honestly being sifted reminds me of that falling feeling... it definitely feels uncomfortable, yet being somewhat of an adrenaline junkie I think, "YEAH, LET'S DO THIS!"

I know that I am not alone... That I am not simply free falling through the universe anxiously awaiting for where (or worse, how) I am gonna land!

We are told in the Bible to "be anxious for nothing"... GOD help me not to be anxious!

I had a nice long talk with my Pastor and his wife today about my absence from church lately... and they prayed with me and blessed and released me. I feel a sense of closure, and still a free fall spiritually... I am comforted by the compassionate Holy Spirit who is currently the only one who is aware of my fragile state of mind. I can not explain myself very well, without sounding like a drama queen, because I am very aware of my sense of drama lately.

I want to cry a lot, and I find my thoughts are often leading me toward lonliness... those thoughts are not TRUTH.

TRUTH is holding me in the palm of HIS hand tonight... TRUTH is reminding me right now that I matter... That I was (and am) created for a purpose... TRUTH is filling me with love and peace and I trust that TRUTH will speak to me in my dreams tonight, leading me, and guiding me into all TRUTH. MY CREATOR THINKS I AM TO DIE FOR... TO HIM I'M KIND OF A BIG DEAL!!!

Sunday Morning!

September 16, 2012

Good Morning! I was going to just jump right into this blog without explanation of my absence from blogging for two months, but I feel I do at least owe you (me, the reader) an explanation... here goes: I have been going through some changes, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually & financially and I just have not been bloggin' about them for one reason because I don't think I "have" any readers, and for another reason it has been a challenge just to get thru the day. I have a lot on my mind, and putting it all down in a blog may be a bit overwhelming for a reader... and besides who cares anyway?

Well, I decided that I started this blog as my own personal online journal, and journaling is good for my soul. With that said, my soul has been getting beaten up lately and overwhelmed by my thoughts. I decided to even the odds in all fairness to my soul and shed some light on my very dark thoughts. These thoughts are not dark in that I would like to hurt anyone, just dark and foreign to me... I don't understand them, so I thought I would blog about them. When I journal (or blog) it helps me.  It is like vomiting out the poison after drinking too much... I feel like I am having a spiritual hangover... BLAH~ZAY! So in an effort toward healing I will blog all about it!

Today I would like to share with you some changes that I am beginning to be aware of, things that have occured within me over time... changes that I am not quite sure if I understand or even if I like (or dislike for that matter!). I am a little confused about my own feelings of complacency toward church, and corporate worship.

You see, today is Sunday, and I am feeling spiritually Bi-polar! On the one end I am so grateful that I no longer feel the need to keep up with the crowd and head to church on Sunday morning, and on the other end, I am certainly feeling left behind.

I have a lot of friends who attend church, and many who do not! I know a lot of people who take Sunday morning to go fishing or hunting or to the mall...whatever... they just don't do church.

My personal experiences on past Sunday mornings have been spent trying to beat the clock, and playing the role of Drill Sargent, and  this has finally taken its toll on my spirit, and it has left me feeling less than "in the mood" for church. Isn't it interesting how contaagious a bad attitude is??? Historically, my kids and I would most often show up at church feeling frazzled and frustrated (yeah, I admit it was usually because of me & my bad attitude!). I was always disappointed in my self for my unrestrained outbursts of anger all the way to church toward my non-compliant children and my left behind husband, who is to this day shamelessly & regularly not attending church! I don't believe that shame is from GOD so I am actually happy for my husband that he does not feel bad for not attending church... I mean I don't want him to be ashamed, I just want him to show up, pay attention to the sermon, participate in worship & grow spiritually! I will let you in on another conclusion that I have recently come to... even though I am married to a wonderful man, I have believed for many years that I was spiritually single, and I did't like it one bit! Now? Now I really don't judge my husband's actions (or lack thereof) and I have come to the conslusion that on Sunday mornings, if I can't beat him, I'll join him. I don't want to jump through hoops and try anymore (physically). Spiritually is totally different story though. I pray, I read my BIBLE and I believe that GOD has us in the palm of HIS hand... wherever we may be.

Like I already mentioned, I am married to a wonderful man who does not attend church, never really regularly has and has no desire at this point to change. I have been praying, pleading and expecting this to change for 20 years, but so far I've got a husband who claims he is "saved" and yet he has no desire to go to church. In all of these years I have had my own opinion about his salvation, and yes, I have already asked  GOD to forgive me for judging him! I have formed my opinion of my husband's salvation experience simply because he does not attend church, or read his Bible or seem to want to grow at all spiritually. I realize now that it is not my job to manipulate or coerce or even try to change him... that's GOD's job. My job is simply to be an example of GOD's LOVE... PATIENTLY BE AN EXAMPLE OF GOD'S LOVE...which ironicly I find difficult at times as it causes me to constantly run to GOD to ask HIM to change me, to forgive me when I get frustrated with my husband or kids, and to keep ME in line and on the right spiritual path leading me to a right relationship between GOD and me!!!   I love my husband and would like to see him as the spiritual leader of this home, but that is between him and GOD... and right now I am not really sure where I fit in to that relationship (other than to pray and talk to GOD openly and honestly and quietly so as not to ignite a conflict between my husband and I). I realize that when I take it to GOD in prayer, then HE "talks" to my husband, and I don't need to fuss or worry... I can simply trust GOD that He's got this... and I do TRUST GOD! (Hence my little picture on the side bar of my blog... "KEEP CALM & TRUST GOD") It is the "KEEP CALM" part that I find trying, not the "TRUST GOD" part, since GOD has never let me down!

In the past on Sunday mornings I would arrive at church extremely rushed and angry, only to have to switch gears immediately so that I could even muster up the strength to WORSHIP my Creator... Don't get me wrong... I love to worship GOD, I love JESUS and I am truly and sincerely a worshipper. I am grateful for HIS Mercy, HIS Love and HIS incredible compassion for me. But lately I have been having a hard time with the whole corporate worship thing. I have a wonderful pastor and worship team at the church I attend so that is not the problem... and sometimes I will "attend" the church online... since it goes live online.  There are times when my body aches, and I don't feel like getting dressed and being around people and that is why I choose to stay home.

I'll be honest, here too...there are some people in particular that I just don't like to be around at church, (hey, we are not going to get along with all the people all the time, right?) ... and I have truely tried to get along with some people, but I confess I do recognize that some people are ummmm... difficult.

One lady I ran into recently in the parking lot of Wal-Mart came up to me and said, "Oh, I was waiting to see if you were going to speak to me--- YOU STUCK UP THANG!" (really, her words exactly!!!) hmm, now I am not stuck up, I honestly did not see her, because I had a lot on my mind and I don't see distance without my glasses. (I am near sighted!) It is just people like her that make me want to crawl back into the bed and give up on going out into public and getting accused of being "a stuck up thang!" So... add another prayer request of "Forgive me, GOD & help me not hate people like her" to my list of prayers along with "help me LORD to love the unlovable" ~~~ Hmm, maybe I should just stop praying that little prayer, 'cause GOD's going to respond to that prayer by giving me opportunities to mix with the unlovable and get my feelings hurt, right?!

I have had some pain in my body and sickness off and on for the past few months and staying home in bed on Sunday morning (TO REST MY EXTREMELY BATTLE WEARY BODY ON THE DAY OF REST) has been winning out over the whole fighting with my family, putting on a fake smile and pretending that whole "I'm O'kay/ You're O'kay" act. For the record, I'm not really O'kay, and I am pretty sure you're not either, so why fake it? Why pretend? Maybe I just need a break, huh?

Not lookin' for any sympathy here or any fixes... This is just me being raw and open... and hoping not to offend anyone, but I am finally willing to risk offense for the sake of honesty...REALLY, I am! I know that my church family is good about admitting that they don't have it all together. They are a really down to earth group of people, we share and we have had some ladies Bible studies that been real eye openers. I have some really good relationships with some of the women at my church.

For the record, something is changing and it is me!!! ME! I feel like a fake, like a poser, like a fraud and that is becoming extrememly hard for me to ignore while I am up there on the front row, praising GOD like nobody's business and being broken over and over again. I am not an extremely needy person. In fact I prefer to spend time alone with GOD, so I totally understand my husband's lack of interest in church as a whole. But protecting that time alone with GOD (my personal BIBLE study and prayer time) takes all the energy I've got lately.

Every Sunday morning I felt it was my duty as the spiritual leader of my home to wake up the resistant (my kids who did not "feel" like going to church, the same ones who would resent me all week for making them go with me). I confess, most Sunday mornings my bad attitude and frustrations were very hard to mask. I would drive my family to church feeling anxious trying to get to church on time... their reluctance in going to church would more often than not show up in their slower than molasses movements in getting ready and getting out the door. My husband was no help, since he himself was still asleep! As the years went by his lack of concern for the spiritual welfare of our family gave the kids ammunition to use against me in the fight I now understand to be spiritual warfare, and honestly I have battle fatigue. I have spent the past 20 years of my life on the front lines of this spiritual warfare and I am shell shocked and battle weary... Instead of screaming and shouting out orders like the drill sargent, now I have decided to become the silent partner in this relationship between GOD, my family and I. I have become a prayer warrior Princess! 

If you could see her, my spiritual self is covered with war paint! My spiritual muscles are strong, and I have a spiritual six pack (instead of a muffin top with a flabby belly!) My spiritual self sparkles and shines and she is a joy to be around!

I imagine my spiritual WARRIOR PRINCESS self speaking to GOD standing before HIM (spiritually) in front of HIS throne and I know HE hears me. I know that I don't have to shout, beg or plead... I simply speak and because of my relationship with JESUS CHRIST (HE is my Saviour) my voice is heard. I am met with compassion, for my frustrations... Instead of manipulation and trying to convince GOD to help me, HE shows me MERCY and GRACE and LOVE! HE loves my husband and our children more than I do, I know this to be a fact... because HE loves me so much more than my own parents love me, and I have been blessed with the most loving parents on the planet!!!

I am not jaded, not feeling like I want to give up... I am just "going through" a season right now that I don't really understand. It is really, really weird for me to not "want" to go to church on Sunday morning... but I admit... I don't want to go to church. I don't want to feel like I am missing out, either, but that is not what is going to get me back in the doors.  I want to be on fire... I want to want to go. I will be back I am sure, I know that verse that says not to forsake the gathering of the saints, and I do still gather with the saints... just not on Sunday mornings. I pray that GOD would ignite a fire within my soul. A burning desire to be HIS witness, HIS minister of TRUTH, HIS minister of LOVE and COMPASSION and HEALING... HIS minister of JOY & PEACE & PATIENCE & KINDNESS & GOODNESS & GENTLENESS & FAITHFULNESS & I thank GOD for SELF CONTROL.

Blessings,
Shawnie

OUCH!

July 3, 2012


Today I am having some back & neck issues... probably due to my body structure & front issues! I had to go see a chiropractor today (thanks to my Mama pretty much insisting on it) and I was blown away by the stuff I learned about my spine! I had an adjustment which has already affected my sinuses in a positive way. I have had sever seasonal allergies this year and I have been sneezing entirely too much. A couple of weeks ago I woke myself up sneezing in the middle of the night, and I wrenched my neck and back in the process causing me to be in pain for several weeks!  Sheesh, like Mama says, "Growin' old 'aint for sissies!"

I had to take a few days off of Hcg, and I am about ready to jump back in, since I now feel like I am already wanting to eat sugar...(oops...too late... I mean ...I confess... I already had some sugar...... I am a sugar junkie!) I don't know where I went wrong, but I gotta get right back on track... We'll see what tomorrow brings... I pray for strength!

This is no battle of the bulge...THIS IS WAR!

Blessings,
Shawnie

Hcg Journey begin(again)

July 1, 2012

First let me start by sharing my Hcg history:

In 2010 I was desperate to find an answer to a lifelong battle of the bulge... I found Hcg! At that time I was going through a difficult season in my marriage, my work and with my kids. I was miserable with myself mainly because of my weight... I had totally "let myself go".  I was terribly depressed, and I was not eating healthy or excersizing. I felt like a marshmellow... a not so mellow marshmellow! I found out about Hcg through Youtube VLOGs (I kinda' stumbled over it when I was on Youtube and typed in "Weight loss" and kept coming up with VLOGs with "hcg" in their title). I began to do my own research about it.  I had no clue what Hcg was at that time, but like I said I was desperate and felt that I had "asked" for help...you know, cried out to GOD with that desperate prayer of "Help! I can't keep going on like this!" and I believed that HE had guided me to the answer in Hcg.  I have a lot of faith in GOD (not so much in myself, as I have failed myself miserably so often in the past!) You see, GOD has NEVER failed me... not EVER!

I can not really explain in words how I know when it is GOD answering my prayers... I just know!  I had done enough research to know that Hcg was not a quick fix (answer to prayer usually is not), so I continued to study it out. I soon found out that Hcg is NOT a cheater's way out of years of abusing my body, no in fact it is just the opposite! I found out that choosing Hcg would require commitment to a healthy lifestyle (as well as militant self control!). I felt like Hcg was a "do over" for me... an opportunity to reprogram the hormones in my body that were working against me. So that is how it went for me with Hcg, I fell in love with the concept and decided it was for me! Long story short, I was VERY successful with Hcg.

I bought my Hcg online and mixed it myself at home (I watched "Mama Clock" on Youtube to find out "how to mix Hcg"). I took my daily doses of sublingual Hcg and over the course of a few short months I released 64 pounds! I was on top of the world! I looked great (IMHO) and I felt amazing mentally, physically & emotionally. I never addressed my emotional eating issues though, and with the passage of time (two years now), relaxing the "rules" of my diet (no sugar, no starch) I began to slowly gain again.

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT:

I did not have as much information two years ago that I do now, nor did I have the knowledge about Leptin (the hormone that I needed to befriend!) and I knew very little about emotional eating. I surprised myself and many others two years ago when I lost a whopping 64# on Hcg, but when I quit taking the Hcg and my choices in food were not so black & white...I began to backslide. Since then I wandered back into my old (bad) habits of eating whatever I want, whenever I want, as much as I want. That does not work so well for me (or for anyone from what I can tell!) I have gained back most of the weight (approx. 50#) because I went back to bad habits. I can not really say that I did not know better, I just kinda' ignored the fact that I am an addict. I am addicted to emotional eating and sugar, and many things that affect my body adversely. I wanna' go to re-hab. Emotional Re-hab! Food Re-hab! Lifestyle Re-hab!!!   

I am in process of learning a whole bunch more about the things I did wrong the first time I used the Hcg Protocol, and I am excited to embark on this hcg journey again. I bought a book called WEIGHT LOSS APOCALYPSE BY Robin Woodall that has really motivated me to dig deeper, and it has given me new information for "this time around" (on Hcg). I believe that "this time around" will be the last time around the hormonal hamster wheel, and once I release all that my body deems adipose tissue I will maintain my healthy body weight using the Hunger Scale Robin teaches in her book! GOD bless Robin Woodall, she doesn't even know I exist, but she has managed to change my life for the better!

I am no quitter... I am just a girl with an extremely strong will to succeed at being herself!!!

As I was releasing weight two years ago, people came outta' the woodwork asking all kinds of questions. How was I losing so much weight? How did I look so healthy? (I was lookin' goooooood!) Was I in love? Hahaha!! Of course, the moment I began to talk about Hcg there were ignorant people who wanted to get into a heated conversation about it with me...duh, the same people who were seeing how healthy I looked and how successful the weight loss was for me. Can I just ask...why do people feel it is any of their business (my weight) ??? Huh? I realize that now I am opening myself up online and giving information about my experiences, but back then I was fragile sorta'... I was just learning about Hcg, and trying to share my good news with people who seemed genuinely interested. They were not! There are many who live their lives as skeptics... those are the one's that have NEVER put forth any effort to have any kind of friendship with me, those are the ones that want to warn me that Hcg is "Dangerous"!  Or, really??? REALLY?! Nah, I don't listen to ignorant people, OR to the drama queens who want to instill fear in me, tryin' to tell me how Hcg is dangerous?! C'mon people, its really Dangerous to be fat... where was your "concern" for me when I was eating junk food, and eating because I was so depressed? Uh... were you there expressing your concern for me when I was walking through my darkest hours? No! Of course not! I felt lonely, sad and depressed... Isoloated...no one ever reached out to me then...no one ever voiced their concern for me when I was emotionally distraught and felt like a caged animal... imprisoned in my own fat, by my own doing, in my own body... I am not angry with people for not reaching out to me then, but I don't want to hear their "concerns" when I have finally seen a light at the end of the dark tunnel and I am running for my life toward it... if I were a paranoid sort I would think that certain people want to trip me and watch me fall again. I am not paranoid though, and I think it better to keep the Hcg on the down-lo this time, not sharing with people I do life with, but journaling here for those searching for some answers for themselves!!!  I don't mean to sound so cynnical, but I have decided that those "concerned"  about me have a deeper, hidden undercurrent of other reasons to try to sway me away from Hcg... either they are caddy, or shallow or jealous... probably... I'm just sayin'! People really like you to agree with them, whether they are right or wrong! Misery loves company, REALLY!  Have you noticed that, peole want to tell you their "argument" and they just love when you are in agreement with them... when you are persuaded by them to their side of the argument??? Shoo, it makes 'em feel like they have won something.  Whatever! I don't care if people agree with me or not about Hcg, I would just rather not hear the negativity this time around... If people do not agree with Hcg, that is fine... it is not for everyone... besides I am not trying to persuade anyone to do anything... I am writing these BLOGS so that my future self can come back and read them... as a written testimony of my personal journey on HCG again... and if others wanna read what I have learned great! I hope it helps them too, but I am not writing this BLOG for anyone but for my own research! I have seen many people who have tried to do what I did with HCG and failed. I feel sorry for them for not being committed to their own success by having the self control it takes to stick to Hcg. NOTE TO SELF: Do not tell people I am back on Hcg!!! I don't want anyone's opinion!!! I have made up my mind to do this for myself, and it is nobody's business!!! That said, hahaha, I am "sharing" this info. with the universe via the internet!!! But seriously? I am not asking anyone's opinion!!! So if you leave comments I will delete them, I have a one track mind, and I do not care that I sound like a two year old!!!

^ THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS BLOG IS ABOUT ^

I am writing this BLOG (and probably a few more) as an online journal about my Hcg journey. I know that Hcg is controvercial, and that is why I will state up front that what I write about is my own personal accumulation of information and not to be used by anyone in place of their own wisdom. I am sure that Hcg is not for everyone, but I believe it is for me. I am not a Doctor, nor am I trying to give anyone advice... this is just a BLOG about my journey!

Ok, now...that said ^  I am going to link (below) to some BLOGs and VLOGs (videos on YouTube) that I find helpful :

www.weightlossapocalypse.blogspot.com

Robin Woodall seems to me to be on the frontline of Hcg research, and has discovered so much information that is really making sense to me. Right now I am learning about Leptin and its role in what has been keeping me on this hamster wheel of a horrible hormone cycle... I would also like to give my "stats" here:

I am 45 years old (as of June 11, 2012)
I am 5'8" tall
I weigh 214.0 as of this morning, buck nekked!
I started Hcg on June 19, 2012 and my start weight was 221.2
I have not (yet) done my measurements, but will do so soon and put those in future stats
I may (or may not) upload pix of my journey because I am not sure I have any recent pix!

Ok, so I am going to be giving some (Very) personal information on this blog like girlie period stuff and other personal info. as well as mushy stuff like my feelings and thoughts along the way.
SO: You have been warned!!!

Of course there are many people who have passionate opinions about Hcg... but things that are controvercial do not make me skeptical, they get me intrigued! I have the right to decide what is best for me, so I am moving forward paying attention to both my body and the Hcg controvercy... people who say they have studied it out are either for it or they are against it... love it or hate it...that seems to be the way things go in my life! Hahaha, my husband is a great example of that... when people meet him they either love him or they hate him... I obviously love him...but that is another blog altogether!

 Is it Controvercy or Drama that motivates people to talk about Hcg when they do not know what they are talking about... or is it jealousy? Bingo! I think most people are jealous when they see someone else's success... how sad! I was always taught (by my parents) to be happy for someone else's good fortune.... not envious or jealous. So I hope that anyone reading this can find information that may give them hope that there is always a different path you can take when the stumbling blocks in life have you believing that there is no way out... no way out of the prison of fat that your body seems to be in right now...there is a way out... ya' just gotta' pray and ask GOD, trust that HE will guide you to the right path for you...Hcg may or may not be it for you, but I believe it is right for me!

Blessings,
Shawnie

They told me to go to re-hab & I said "Yes, yes, YES!!!"

June 13, 2012

They told me to go to re-hab & I said "Yes, yes, YES!!!"  

GOD's Re-hab that is  (Tee-he-he)!!!

I woke up this morning thinking of the promises of GOD (yay!).  His Word is slap full of promises for me & for you! BUT, Guess what???? We have a choice to believe them (& HIM) or rebel & say "No, no, no!"

I realize that the subject of this post may be harsh, but I also know that it is the harsh, extravagant, reality of TRUTH that will pull us from the hazzardous & potentially life threatening rut that we call our current beliefs! Ask Amy Winehouse, or Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson or how 'bout the guy in Miami who in his LSD-ish zombie high was found naked & chowing down on the face of a homeless man, then he was fatally shot while he was so high that he was out of his mind & not responding with obedience to the police who warned him to stop his freak like behaviour... but wait ......you can't ask them  'cause they all died in their rut. I mean no disrespect, to the family of Amy Winehouse (or the others), on the contrary I honor them. The dis-honorable life these people chose to live can be an honorable lesson for those who are reading this by speaking TRUTH however controvercial it may be. Others may have reached the same conclusion as I have, and they are thinking it, but I'ma come right out and say it, okay? I would venture to say if Amy Winehouse or anyone else who has died as a result of drugs or alcohol addictions could speak from their experiences, they would have made better choices BEFORE their addictions caused them to believe the lie that "I'm just going to get high this once," or "one more drink won't kill me", or "(cigarettes/marijuana/drugs/alcohol/cocaine/sex Fill in the blank with your addiction of choice) It's No big deal" !!!

COME ON PEOPLE, WAKE UP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! (or better yet be smart before you ever start!) I know because I made those mistakes, and I wish I had been a stronger/smarter girl than to ever try alcohol or drugs... Thank GOD I did not die in my addiction, but Amy Winehouse was not so fortunate. Maybe if someone had been able to shake her & wake her from her addiction before she became like a zombie she may have changed her mind and said "Yes, yes, yes" to re-hab (instead of rebelling against it). I have some very real and deep/wild/scary thoughts about the supposed "zombie apocolypse" that my 13 year old son tells me is pending!!! Sounds like a far fetched Nightmare on Elm Street style Hollywood movie, but it is not so far fetched if you think about it... Drugs & alcohol taking over our culture...the "Walking Dead" hmmm..."The Walking Zooted outtaa' their minds" sounds more like the reality of it!!!

I have been feeling a little "schlumpy" for the past year or so and I realize that the thoughts that try to pummel my brainz are not my own thoughts, some thoughts that cross my mind are from the enemy of my soul. That enemy (The BIBLE says) would like to kill steal and destroy me (& you!). I know to some that may sound like paranoia, but seriously??? I am a happy person with loving thoughts and peaceful thoughts and decent uplifting thoughts, so why do I find myself back in the rut of anxious thoughts, & the desire to excape the pain of life experiences by getting high or drinking a glass of wine? (For the record I am clean and sober and have been for many years now, but once upon a time I was a Grey Princess who just wanted to escape). My gut belief  now is that something bigger than me threatens me...I call it "Brutus"...it is a beast who tries to lure me into giving up or lull me into a way of escape... any opportunity to escape the pain or dull the pain of life. Life is only painful if you think about it that way...The Bible says "as a man thinketh so is he" ... What we need to escape is the stinkin' thinkin'!!!

"Brutus" wants me to rebel against GOD's re-hab plan for my life! You see, when a thought crosses my mind that is disturbing, I know now that it was not my own thought! When I say "disturbing" I mean any thought that leaves me feeling ill at ease...angry thoughts, jealous thoughts, hateful thoughts and the like.  Thoughts that don't line up with the nature of GOD (and yeah, even thoughts of suicide, like the world would be a better place without me~~~  now that is clearly not my own OR GOD's thoughts about me!)

I confess, I have experienced such depth of despair that I have thought life was too hard and that it would just be easier to let go, free-fall....that kinda' thinking led me to drinking alcohol and doing drugs to escape the pain. So where did all this "pain" come from? I mean I have really good parents who love me and who did their best to "train me up in the way I should go"...I was not abused or neglected or molested... so then, why all the pain??? I think some of it was brought on by my own stinkin' thinkin'!!! By being a double minded girl, who became unstable in all my ways...I was brought up to be level headed, but instead of balancing on the Truth of who I am, I began to wobble until one day I simply crashed (actually, it happened a few times!) I had no integrity, I was not the same person to my parents that I was in front of my friends or my peers. I was a hypocrite. 

Some of my worst thoughts are the hypocritical ones...what does it mean to be a hypocrite??? It means being double minded, having double standards...it involves being judgemental and  it involves critical thinking of others and their choices... It was way easier for me to look at the mistakes of others and think, "Wow, thank goodness I am not like _____."  I think it is good to see the mistakes of others if we can learn from them, but not if we are seeing those mistakes, making the same ones (or worse ones) and then comparing ourselves to them... like we are better than them...let's face it we are all screwed up at some point in our life! No human is perfect, except JESUS! I know one thing for certain about being a hypocrite...I just don't want to be one! & yet I find myself at the crossroads (pretty darn frequently) of Hypocrite Highway and Love Lane. That is when I have to stop and ask directions from Holy Spirit...and I have to contstantly measure myself against the plumb line of GOD's Word (not looking to what other people are doing ~ mind you ~  'cause like I said... pretty much everyone is a lil' screwed up!!!)

Jesus taught against hypocrisy in Luke the 12th chapter...so GOD wants us to know and be aware of it, not to condemn us, but to show us that it is something to repent of... turn away from...better yet, to run from it and to gouge it out of our very being if necessary.

I was reading Luke 12 today where JESUS taught a warning against hypocrisy... "Meanwhile, the crowds grew until thousands were milling about and stepping on each other. Ahem, stepping on each other??? Maybe that means literally or like "stepping on each other's toes" You know what I mean!!! Teasing one another perhaps? Picking on each other, offending each other (yeah probably on purpose!) Maybe that is why Jesus turned first to his disciples and warned them, "BEWARE OF THE YEAST (A.K.A. sin) OF THE PHARISEES - THEIR HYPOCRISY. THE TIME IS COMING WHEN EVERYTHING THAT IS COVERED UP WILL BE REVEALED, AND ALL THAT IS SECRET WILL BE MADE KNOWN TO ALL. WHATEVER YOU HAVE SAID IN THE DARK WILL BE HEARD IN THE LIGHT, AND WHAT YOU HAVE WHISPERED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS WILL BE SHOUTED FROM THE HOUSETOPS FOR ALL TO HEAR!" (& then JESUS goes on to talk about the value of each one of us, the dangers of materialism and where and how to find true freedom and contentment...hint~hint: it is not  found in getting high!).

In chapter 12 of Luke JESUS talks about the value of each person to GOD (our Creator). One of the things HE talks about is the comparison and contrast of a person to the sparrow. Think about what HE is saying here...if GOD cares for even the smallest lil' birdie (the sparrow), then HE cares even more for us. If HE cares enough to count the hairs on our head, then HE cares even more about our thoughts and feelings. Dwelling on this reality, THIS TRUTH & GOD'S PROMISES can help us when we feel depressed or lonely or left out or left behind. THE MOST POWERFUL AND IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE CARES DEEPLY FOR ME & FOR YOU, DOES'NT THAT GRAB YOUR ATTENTION? It grabs mine!!!

JESUS later (in verses 22-21) tells us where to find TRUE FREEDOM & CONTENTMENT... they are found by depending exclusively on GOD and OBEYING HIM!!! JESUS points out the worthlessness of spending time worrying about the things that GOD has already taken care of (our provision---every thing we need!!!) Plants and animals don't worry about food and clothing, so neither should we. GOD takes care of them while they live from day to day, so dontchya' think if GOD made us ABOVE the animals that HE will take care of us too (duh, yeah!) if we make HIS kingdom our primary concern...HA! That is the clinker, the key, the bottom line...so let me repeat it... IF WE MAKE HIS KINGDOM OUR PRIMARY CONCERN THEN GOD WILL PROVIDE EVERYTHING HE THINKS WE NEED TO SURVIVE THIS LIFE HERE ON EARTH!!! & HIS KINGDOM IS A KINGDOM OF LOVE. 

In all we say, say it in LOVE. In all we do, do it in LOVE. All we think even, think it with LOVING thoughts...because the greatest of all things is LOVE.

TRUST GOD & that shows HIM that you love Him. Show that you trust & love HIM by obeying HIM. Trusting GOD's Supreme & Providential care will enable me (& you) in recovery to live one day at a time... recovering from the effects of the days when I (OR YOU) was (WERE) not walking in obedience to HIM...when I had strayed from the righteous path and went my own way I chose to walk away from GOD's blessings...I have made mistakes, (haven't we all???) & I am sure I will probably make a few more before I get to Heaven & guess what? I gotta' (mentally & emotionally) recover from that...& so do you.

GOD's re-hab plan is printed out for me (& you) in black and white... & better yet He says that He has written HIS TRUTH on the tablet of my heart (& yours) so my concience knows right from wrong, if only I would have listened to my conscience before I told it "No, no, no!". I know most of us know Good from evil. I can no longer justify evil and call it good to fulfill my own desires. I pray that GOD will keep purifying me (& you) in HIS re-hab.
Blessings,
Shawnie

Mosquitoes

Due to the constant rainy weather down here in southern Georgia we have had "Mosquito Revival" going on. Shoo, I am so over those gargantuan, thirsty southern Georgia swamp dwelling blood suckers (A.K.A. Mosquitoes!) I think of them like lil' demons, sent from the pit of hell to suck my life's blood from my veins. The Bible tells us that satan comes only to kill, steal and destroy and yup...that is pretty much what them mosquitoes have set out to do to me as well!!! But why? Simply because I exist, and I am their target...that is just the way it is. I am not a bad person because of my unfortunate position as their unsolicited attention, am I? Nope, of course not... in fact I do my best to repel them, kill them and avoid contact with them. But they are a constant, they are militant, they are my enemy (no doubt!)

Have you ever had a mosquito buzz so close to your ear that you thought he was inside of your head? I have... it was a close encounter that I knew I had to shoo away... one that only I was aware of  and yet all those around me at the time must have thought I was ku-koo... I was swattin' and flailing my arms and doing a strange kind of bob and weave... I was afraid that sucker (the Mosquito) was gonna' bite me. I seriously heard that joker singing and it was so close it sounded like my own thought, like he was buzzing around in my noggin!!!  Now of course I know that is not even possible, since (contrary to popular belief) my head is not just an empty space for thoughts and dreams and mosquitoes to dwell... I happen to have a big brain which I choose to use from time to time and it is amazing and creative and I am told  (in the Bible) that I am to have the "Mind of Christ." But Ooh, to believe that...to really get that truth down into my whole spiritual being, to even fathom the possibility of lil' ole' me having the "Mind of Christ"...well that would just be life changing, wouldn't it be?  Yeah, it would, and that is the point of this blog... my "Spiritual Awakening"  has begun, so look out mosquitoes and demons... satan himself fears me... I have the authority to speak the name of JESUS, my advocate, my friend, my husband. 

I don't know about you, but I am thinkin' it is about time for a Spiritual Awakening, a real REVIVAL... a close encounter of the Holy Ghost kind! I am praying for personal revival, I am so in love with GOD, but I think I could go even deeper!

I speak life to my spiritual immune system where my enemies can not affect me negatively or even get a foot hold. I am a child of GOD, a Princess who lives under a blood covenant, not to be confused with a sinner saved by grace. I am not walking in my own strength, I walk with an army of believers, my brothers and sisters who have stood with me when I was too immature to know who I was. These people (who are not perfect, but who are being perfected) gather with me weekly to praise our Father who resides in Heaven. OHHH, how precious and HOLY is HIS name! Did you know that HIS kingdom has already come, and HIS will absolutely will be done (on Earth as it is done in Heaven)? I ask HIM to feed me HIS daily bread (as I read and ingest THE WORD OF GOD), and forgive me when I step off the path of righteousness and try to go my own way...as of course I forgive those who walk away from me & what I think is the right path...I know for a fact that GOD (who is perfect & who loves me) would never, ever lead me into temptation (I have found those temptations on my own or with the help of my enemies)...God is my Kingdom, My power and HE will continue to be my Glory for ever and ever! Yay, GOD!

I know that I am loved,  and for that I am so blessed.

Blessings,
Shawnie

Still reading my Bible, how 'bout you?

...Even when I do not know exack~a~lackly what to read, I know that reading my Bible daily is the best way to begin my day! So My best advice on how to read your Bible daily??? Begin with the Proverbs chapter for what ever today is...for example: today is June 9, so I would read Proverbs the 9th chapter! It is that simple!

That only scratches the surface though, I really like to dig deeper. I have a "Daily Walk" Bible in the New Living Translation and I love it! It has enabled me to read through the entire Bible in one year (twice!) Every time I read my Bible it seems to speak new TRUTHs to me...I guess because my frame of mind changes daily, and life experiences have me thinkin' different thoughts, ya' know? I also love the "Daily Message" which is more of a translation, not the only Bible you want on your shelf, but it really helps me have a deeper understanding of things that may have other wise gone unnoticed by me. I love the WORD, sometimes I crave it actually!

I would have to say that when I began to read my Bible daily is when I began to mature as a Christian... it is like taking medicine...you know you have a cure all in the medicine cabinet, but seriously, if you just don't take it you will not be cured, duh! 

In today's American culture, we really have no excuses NOT to ingest the WORD daily! I love to read books or my Kindle, but for those who are not big on reading...there are free podcasts online for your ipod where people read The Bible for you and all you have to do is to download it onto your ipod daily, then listen...I love the Daily Audio Bible Podcast...it changed my life. I began to listen to it on my ipod the first year that Brian Hardin began to read... I was having a lot of stress in my life, my marriage and my family that year. I had just bought my ipod and I needed to fill it with as many freebies as I could, because I did not have a lot of money to download songs from itunes!!! What a blessing. I love the way Brian would read to the background noise like natural white noises...I used to go to sleep listening to that podcast every night. I was also diagnosed with depression that year and my doctor prescribed a mild anti-depressant...instead of getting the prescription filled I would listen to the podcast like it was my medicine, and it was!!! It has been over five years and I still have not filled that prescription! Here is a link to the DAB, try it out for yourself, it may just save your life!!! (Or at least your sanity!)

www.dailyaudiobible.com

I also found things to do with myself (other than thinking of how crappy things were) and I began to make things with crafts. I love to bead, sew, knit and make jewelry...I am always trying to learn something new with regard to crafting...I love to give my creations away and bless others with them. I finally decided to open an Etsy store a year or so ago with the hope of earning back a little money to make more goodies!!! God has truly blessed me with HIS Cre8iveSpirit and I want to use it to honor HIM. My hope is that this blog will touch lives and be a place where people find TRUTH and inspiration.

Blessings,
Shawnie Hendrix
www.cre8ivespirit.etsy.com

June Already?

June 6, 2012

June Already?

Wow, where does the time go?  I have been so busy doing life that I have not had the chance to even think of blogging lately! I am constantly thinking of how to improve my use of time, and I really thought this blog would be a great way to organize my thoughts and my randomness, pulling it all together into a nice, sweet lil' package for me to reflect upon once in a while! Well, life gets so hectic when you're title is "Momma"!

All is well. School is over for the year (Luke passed the 7th grade!) and my Cre8ive Spirit business is growing and blooming beautifully... Check it out at www.cre8ivespirit.etsy.com!
Blessings,
Shawnie

Is this gonna be 4eva?

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Hey blog buddies...I have been off line for a couple of weeks now focusing on my son's CRCTs that ended Friday. On our way home from testing I began to feel really crummy and I've been in bed all weekend sick. It started with what I thought was seasonal allergies a few months back and now my entire throat is swollen and I have been really congested...which sucks 'cause I'm kind of addicted to breathing!!!  I just wanna live...not lay around all day with no energy and sneezing my head off! Which leads me to the title of this blog post...did you ever see "David goes to the dentist" on youtube? I can so relate to that little boy sometimes, ya' know? Like when life takes a lil more endurance than usual... that's what has been goin' on here...but endurance is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit...and I know HE is living in my heart...endurance is usually not a pleasant thing to experience, but once I am on the other side of it, I always know that it was something that took a miracle to get through... so I feel like poor lil' David, "...is this gonna' be for eva?" I beleive that GOD has heard my prayer (Please Lord let me breathe through my nose clearly) and I am certain that it is HIS plan to have me doing just that...HE created me to breathe through my nose so anything else is from my enemy and GOD is bigger than all of my enemies. I don't want to complain, I know that HE does not like whiners...so I'ma just blog for the record that I am healed and delivered from seasonal allergies TODAY!

So anyway since my last post I was able to get my new sewing machine set up and I made my first handbag!  Sew cute! I will post pix as soon as I can stand long enough without feeling dizzy and exhausted! I know I will feel better soon, ya know why?

...Well when JESUS spoke from the cross and said, "It is finished!" I beleive "It" meant all of everything...Salvation, Healing and Deliverance! I am healed by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of my Testimony...I know that I know that I am Saved by HIS grace...so yeah I am healed and delivered too! MANIFEST NOW in JESUS name!

I can't wait to see what HE has planned for me this week!

Oh yeah, I started a new Bible study entitled "Finding Father"...It is really helpful with getting to know that I am hearing Father God's voice and that these are not just my own thoughts...I'll keep ya' posted!

Blessings,
Shawnie

(o.o) Whoo~whoot! (Who gives a whoot, really?)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Today is our 20 year Wedding Anniversary! (Wow, how can that be when I am only 29again years old?!?!?) My parents came by the house this mornin' to bring my husband and I an anniversary card...with money in it to go to dinner tonight! We have been walking thru a season of B-R-O-K-E-N finances...the kind where toilet paper becomes pretty scarce and the prospect of using an old phonebook to wipe our butts is thought provoking as an alternative option to Charmin! Someone recently suggested just swiping some from the local bathrooms I frequent when I am out and about grocery shopping, and whatnot....really, REALLY? Nah, "swiping" is stealing, even considering the fact that phone book paper is not as cushy as Charmin... I will not steal toilet paper from anywhere...no matter how desperate we become!!! (For the record, GOD has always provided and we have not had to resort to the phone book or stealing... yay, GOD!)

Any~hoo, I know this is just a season...GOD has always used the hubbz as a good provider of groceries and not to mention he has always paid all the bills over the last 20 years. I have been a stay-at-home home school Mama and it is pretty obvious that that does not yield ANY income! I am glad to have done it though, & we have been greatly blessed  as a family with our memories and experiences together.

In honor of our 20th wedding anniversary I would like to share a few of those memories here on my blog... perhaps someone can glean a little confidence in the staying power of marriage through our experiences & my thoughts on them! 

This is how I Iknow our love, and this is when I feel its power: sometimes basking in the warmth of it, and sometimes in its darkest hour. The best memories I have could not fill this entire internet, there are so many wonderful moments that a family can share. How about the birth of a baby? Wow...words just cannot describe...amazing love, it brings tears to my eyes...big, fat, hot tears of joy are runnin' down my cheeks right now while I am simultaneously smiling as I recall the birth of each of our three children. The memories my husband and I share during those miraculous moments are the GORILLA-glue that holds us together when the violent, angry winds of seperation  & divorce threaten to blow between us like a hurricane... leaving us with a choice of bitterness or love. I choose love. (Of course there is the initial attraction we share, we are like two powerful magnets that race to be together once we realize that we are drifting apart.) I still feel butterflies in my tummy sometimes when he walks into a room, I am honored and blessed to have a man with a heart of gold to love me like he does.

At the opposite end of the spectrum then... there is his hyper-active, wild, cave man attitude that makes me wanna' run far & fast from him. He is a manly man, no doubt...he is a country boy, a survivor in the woods (hence his lack of "need" for toilet paper!!!) I love the ruggedness about him, I really do...but it does come with its challenges. Sometimes MANLY MEN act out of rage and toughness like a peacock when it struts its stuff or a porcupine when that fight or flight mode kicks in...ever tried to  hug a porcupine? I have (the hubbz) & it does not work...they are prickly and do not respond to love or wanna' let anyone get close...that is when I am so thankful to have my own interests that don't include him...I have found things to enjoy like using my GOD blessed creativity to start my own business. I don't reccomend having interests (that don't include your spouse) that do include other people (obviously people of the opposite sex are bad company for obvious reasons!) because when my husband and I are getting along like peanut butter and jelly the people I had run to for keeping me company feel left out...in my experience that just doesn't work well... because then the other person becomes jealous of your relationship and will sabotage it one way or another.

The porcupine comment I made in that last parragraph made me remember the line I still say to the hubbz when I sense the hurricane a blowin'... I tell him, "I only respond to love!" and I just walk away....That ususally shuts him up!

We hit the lowest point of our marriage two years ago. After what seemed at the time like an unforgivable act of unkindess and blatant disrespect of our marriage I asked him to leave. Being the manly man that he is he would not, so I left him... for four months were seperated and we each had an appointment with divorce attourneys... I felt certain "we" as a family were finished.

Miraculously his divorce attourney asked him, "Chris, why do you hate your wife, what has she done?"

And that's when my husband replied, "She has done nothing wrong, she has left me. She wants a divorce." With that, his divorce attourney suggested that divorce is VERY expensive (ha! that got my husband's attention!) and while he would take the case, he suggested my husband contact me first and do "whatever it took" to try to work things out. Well, what he did not know (nor did I) at the time was that I did not  really want a divorce, and that GOD had a plan of restoration, but we all had to be onboard...all hands on deck...it was time to swab the poop deck!

Since then we have reconciled... My husband left the divorce attourney's office and called me from the parking lot weeping... he had had a change of heart. He actually told me these words, "It was like I was standing on the edge of the cliff of our marriage, and I decided I did not want to jump off!"

You see, it was him that had wandered away from center. I am centered in GOD and that is the ONLY reason our marriage is strong today. I read a quote once that said something like... "A woman should be so close to GOD that in order for a man to touch her heart, he has to go through GOD first"...or something like that...basicly I love GOD first. I believe that GOD showed me during that four months of seperation that I could forgive my husband, but that it would take total trust in GOD's ability to reconcile us (not my husband's). So you see, it really doesn't matter what my husband does or does not do... my heart is so full of GOD that I don't =NEED= my husband to complete me...GOD completes me. I am glad that GOD has chosen my husband to support me and to walk through this life with me. (Or probably the truth is that I chose my husband, and GOD has blessed our union!) Yeah, that sounds more like it! 

Well, as sure as the seasons change, my life's seasons will too. Poverty does not define me, but it has taught me a few lessons that I will take with me heading into the next season: ABUNDANCE. I am heading toward abundance, it's harvest time! One lesson is to recycle. Up~cycle. Repurpose. Re-use. All of those words describe not only things, but people. I really love the word "UP~CYCLE" because it seems to be what GOD has done to me and for me. He up~cycled our marriage, and HE is up~cycling me! I just recently was blessed with a new Singer160 (Squeal!) sewing machine... I love it! I have been making things for my lil' Etsy shop which can be found here: www.cre8ivespirit.etsy.com  I hope you will stop by by shop to see what I have been making. (As of today I have not uploaded anything made with my new Singer160, but there will be new items added soon...meanwhile there are other goodies on display in my shop that I have made, so stop by browse, shop & enjoy... from right where you are!)   

Have you begun to use PINTEREST yet? I have been using many great ideas and inspirations from Pinterest and some other awesome bloggers, while I've been working hard to organize my studio. I am pretty humbled by the outpouring of blessings GOD has showered me with & I would like to share some pix of my studio...when it is finished..I am honored to have such a great place to create stuff!

For those of you interested in what I have been reading from my BIBLE...today I read about WARFARE!!! Did you know that you have anti-spyware automatically downloaded by GOD into your spirit? I read an interesting blog about it here: http://www.madeforheaven.org/christian-blog/blog-bid-8 I really like this blog. The author helps make things so easy to understand! So, go check it out & I hope you enjoy it as much ~ or more than I have!
Blessings,
Shawnie

Today's a new day!

Monday, April 9, 2010

Good evening blog buddies...hope everyone is well...I have been busy as most people are during Spring Break; that is why I did not post last week! I am pretty sure by viewing my stats that my lack of blogging last week did not rock anyone's world...but still, I will try to do better than a once per week blog.

While I was away from the internet, I read the entire book of Hosea... oops, I confess, I could not hold out and string that book out for two whole weeks! It was just too good... the Word is like honey to me, sweet and tasty...so I gobbled it all up! Really...in like two days... I really tried not to read it all at once, but I couldda' read it in one afternoon, easily!!!

I especially loved that the romance book of Hosea (Old Testament book of the Bible) is like an allegory of how GOD loves me (but I ain't no ho, yo'!) Can y'all believe that GOD told Hosea to marry a hoochie mama? Wow...it is a pretty intense love story filled with major drama from a minor prophet! Let's just all agree here and now that what GOD told Hosea to do was no minor thing, and yet Hosea is considered one of the "minor" prophets in the Bible. Not minor because it was no big deal, I am sure...because what GOD told Hosea to do was huge! He asked Hosea to love the unlovely. This was not only huge because it is an emotionally difficult thing to do, but it was huge because GOD asked a mere mortal, Hosea, to do it...and guess what? Hosea did it. He was obedient to GOD, this gives me hope that I am totally capable now that I have the Holy Spirit living in me, to guide me, it should be easy to obey GOD, right? RIGHT? Have you tried doing that lately?  Have you realized yet that GOD has asked you to love the unlovely?  uhhh, oh well...umm...Perhaps you are the unlovely, and HE has asked somebody else to love you... Hmmm?  Surely GOD has not asked you to marry a prostitute and forgive the skanky one for going back into prostitution after makin' babies with you...but HE does ask us to love the unlovely...in fact HE expects us to.

Gomer was her name (Hosea's hoochie mama). Imagine a woman who was redeemed from a life of prostitution. A life where her owner is abusive to her, and the many men that he keeps her busy with are abusive as well. .. an endless parade of people hacking away at Gomer's self esteem. I am certain that this does not give Gomer a real sense of trust for men, her own judgement, or trust in general. Let's face it Gomer's got some serious issues. She's a train wreck.

Now, imagine if you will a decent man comes along...this one is different. He is aglow with love for her, but this love is like nothing she has ever experienced before. When Hosea looks into Gomer's sad, wandering, distant stare he manages for a fleeting moment to capture her attention, and she catches a glimpse of an all consuming love in his eyes. A love that is different from the lust she is used to seeing in the greedy eyes of the men who only want to devour her, use her up, hurt her body and then treat her like trash. She does not understand this LOVE. So she does not really accept it. She feels she is not worthy. Her self esteem has been long gone, like a distant memory that she clings to...unsure of it's validity, she let's go of love, as if it is not even real. Of course love is not real, her self worth coupled with hear fears keep love at an arm's length. Her life is a life of pain...physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual emptiness...that is what is real to Gomer. Spent. Used up. Worthless. Gomer. She is a hollow soul. Her days are mere existance, just something she must get through. There is no real joy. Only Apathy. 

"Marry Hosea...meh, whatever, why not?" She asks herself. Saved from a life of prostitution, how bad could it be? She might wonder. It couldn't be any worse than what she had been used to.... but to her pleasant surprise, Hosea was truly a decent man. Hosea treated Gomer with honor and dignity, he told her that he loved her. He would bathe her body, washing her limbs, scrub her toes. He would brush her long hair and pull it back gently out of her face, as he told her he loved her and kissed her gently on her forehead. He told her that he knew that she had been though so much physically, and that he would wait for her body to heal "as long as it takes" (he told her) before he would even begin to think about starting a family. Time went by, Hosea loving Gomer, and Gomer waiting "for the other shoe to drop"...

"It's only a matter of time," thought Gomer, "before Hosea finds out that I really am not worth all his trouble, and kindness." Gomer was wrong, what she did not know was that not only was Hosea motivated by a love for her that she could not understand, but in everything that Hosea did he was motivated by his love for GOD. Hosea did not need Gomer's love, he chose her. Still it hurt him to see his wife unable to give or receive his love. Hosea was so certain and grounded and centered in his relationship with GOD that he would obey GOD by marrying this prostitute. Her behaviour did not matter, Hosea was warned of her unfaithfulness ahead of time, perhaps that is what made this bitter pill a little easier to swallow. Bottom line, Hosea loved GOD, and GOD would take care of Hosea he was certain. You see when we choose our relationships or our spouse the drama begins when we make that person our god. When we put that person on a pedestal, and believe in our heart and mind that we can not live with out them. That is a lie. What is the emotional connection? What drives your relationships? Ask yourself this, "If I am feeling like I can not live without this person, is that a really good feeling?" "Do I really want to continue down this thought path," and finally, "Is this a healthy thought"?

She gives birth to her first son, Jezreel. (Translation: GOD plants) Birth...a new life, whatever! Gomer knows she should be happy, but there is so much pain, so much work to be done caring for an infant. Besides that, the birth of this child is over shadowed by the anger of GOD for His people. The birth of Jezreel is  also over shadowed by the overwhelming pent up anger inside of Gomer's heart. Emotions out of control. Gomer focuses on her baby and in the process, she completely loses touch with herself. 

Then Gomer got pregnant again. "Great, just great..." she thinks sarcasticly as she gives birth to a daughter this time. GOD told Hosea to name the child Lo-Ruhamah which translates to "No-Mercy" because GOD has run out of mercy for Israel. HE said there was no more forgiveness for Israel. This was no new thing for Gomer... her emotions were already way outta' whack! She had been emotionally shipwrecked years ago. She knew she deserved no mercy. Why should being a mother make her valuable?  How could she ever feel any greater than what she was, a worthless whore. If I know anything about human nature and the depression that accompanies shame and guilt... this poor lowly woman probably felt that she was involved in a perpetual motion of a downward spiral of breeding more hurt, sadness and depression into the lives of her children.... and look, her low self esteem is only confirmed when GOD saddles her offspring with those GOD forsaken names.

As soon as Gomer had weaned "No-Mercy" she got pregnant again and had another son...GOD told Hosea to name him Lo-Ammi which loosely translates to "Nobody". (Because the BIBLE says that GOD felt that HIS chosen people were now no-bodies to HIM and that HE was no longer their GOD.) Shoo-wee...That this woman did not hurl herself off the nearest mountain top at that point was nothing short of a miracle. I mean how could anyone live with all that shame? I can only imagine that she did not want to live, I imagine that she was a hollow soul. This story is bad enough if it simply ended here, but wait...it gets worse!

Sure GOD is angry with Gomer. He is angry with HIS people. How many times do we read in the Bible that GOD is so disappointed with HIS creation? The story of Noah. The story of Jonah. Sodom & Gomorah... When are we gonna' get it??? HE LOVES US...HE THINKS WE ARE TO DIE FOR!

God had just finished laying the smack down about Israel's sins by comparing HIS people to a promiscuous (Uh, yeah more like a trashy) woman. Hosea could totally relate since Gomer wasn't exaclty a stellar wife. But even after God chose some pretty intense names for Hosea and Gomer's rug-rats that reflected Israel's current state, and then describing how HE was going to remove HIS blessing from Israel, GOD made a dramatic 180 degree turn toward mercy....MERCY! Yeah, it seemed a bit bi-polar, and I must say that I do not totally understand what happened between the end of chapter 1 and the beginning of chapter 3...I mean I read it again, and again, and again...and it is a blur. All I can tell ya' is that GOD's plan goes from one end of the spectrum TOTAL ABANDONMENT to the other PERFECT LOVE.

Did GOD change HIS mind after HE sat back and watched the best of human nature unfold before HIM? Was GOD moved by the human love that blossomed out of Hosea as he showed GOD the potential a mere human has when he displays love by loving the unlovely... Gomer? Obedience. Is that what turned it all around? God says in HIS word..."If you love me, you will obey me." Hosea loved GOD by loving his unfaithful wife Gomer. Whoah...who does that??? Sheesh, by today's standards Hosea would have been toast for loving a skank. His homey's would have dropped him like he was hot!!! They would have been all, "Ya' know what Hosea? That Gomer, she's a ho! You're a nice guy, so why don'tcha kick that skank to the curb...c'mon man, bro's before ho's, right? Yo', dude I got your back!" And perhaps it went down a little bit like that, who knows...

I can only tell you that what Hosea chose to do in the wake of his immense, intense emotional gut wrenching pain, the devastation & disappointment that the unfaithfulness of his prostitue wife turning back to a life of prostitution after already being rescued once from that gutter trash lifestyle surely caused him was incredible by human standards, and it got GOD's attention...Hosea did the unthinkable...the unimaginable by most men's standards. I am sure most spouses would have given up on Gomer long before Hosea did, which is what totally caught GOD's attention, and I believe it is what changed GOD's mind totally, causing HIM to do a 180.

So, yeah...Chat time: Now we are at the beginning of chapter three, and Gomer is in a downward spiral of sin, including adultery, leaving her family and prostitution...AGAIN! Yup! She left the loving arms of her husband,  her babies, and the only family she probably ever knew and went back into prostitution...What the junk?  (psst: by the way GOD did give Hosea a head's up ahead of time that this was gonna' happen, and HE gave Hosea the choice to do it or not.. It appears that God even let Hosea pick Gomer from an all too abundant pack of wild women...Hosea thought Gomer was the pick of the litter, so to speak!)

Anyhoo, get this: Gomer's on the auction block, and from what history tells us about slavery at that time, Gomer prolly' stood naked so that interested buyers could examine the (ahem) "merchandise". As the auctioneer tries to get a starting bid going for this skanky ole' hag, and in her absolute humiliation, she hears a familiar voice and looks up to see Hosea, the husband she's been separated from, walking through the wild crowd. The crowd (you can imagine) was raunchy and cruel, probably slingin' mud and 'maters, rotten food and nasty comments about how haggard Gomer  must have looked...remember she had given up on herself long before this story even began, since she started out in the gutter...when you hit bottom you would think there wouldn't be too far to fall. WRONG! This crowd was likely an angry mob who probably heckled the auctioneer for wasting their time with one in such a worthless state. They might as well have bought her for a penny.

Enter Hosea. Everyone in town knew his story. What a love sick goof ball he must have looked like. The crowd may have become silent as Hosea placed his bid, and sure enough, he was the highest bidder. As he paid for his wife, the gossip about today's events must have spread throughout the entire town like wild fire. He hands the required amount to the acutioneer - he had to pay for her even though he was still legally married to her. Gently, Hosea reaches for her hand to lead her home, again. As she looks into his eyes of love she is once again captivated by the awesomeness of the love that she is painfully aware that she does not deserve. 

Her eyebrows raise to a question, as she looks into Hosea's eyes, but this is no time for words. The love that Hosea has just displayed to Gomer and to everyone else at the auction that day spoke volumes. Actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb.

Talk about a powerful picture this is of a husband's forgiveness - and remember, Hosea is only human. Now imagine the amazing love that GOD displayed when HE asked JESUS to offer HIS redeeming love for unfaithful people like us. I am not asking you to view yourself as unworthy, although we are...but on the flip side, can't you see that if GOD say's that you are worthy, YOU ARE WORTHY! You have great value, when you have to face the demons that want to remind you of your past you just remind them of their future...and when low self esteem and unworthiness try to get you down in the dumps, you just remember who you are. You are the redeemed of the LORD. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!  SO! I am redeemed, and I know it, I am so loved, how 'bout you? Do you know that yet? I have prayed over this blog, that those of you out there in cyber space who may have stumbled upon this blog would have eyes to see what GOD has done, and ears to hear HIM calling you from HIS heart. I asked HIM to show you the POWER of HIS LOVE!

Blessings,
Shawnie

What can you get over?

Monday, April 2, 2012

Get over it...Let it go...Let it be... What can you get over? How do we just get over it...(whatever "it" may be).

Is there anyone out there who doesn't feel like the world has gone cray~zaaay? Sheesh, I know there is a lot of pain in the world. I do not live in a bubble anymore...This ain't no fairytale, and we do not all live happily ever after...

LIFE, I never noticed before today, but it's a four letter word!!!  That said, I am not bummed out. I am simply stating the reality of life this side of Heaven, and reality sucks! Mean people suck. (Can I say the word suck and not be offensive?) I am not trying to offend anyone, but by golly mean people, selfish people suck. People hurtin' people, c'mon where's the love... yo? I have just noticed that a lot of people are facing a lot of stank in their lives... from my 95 year old friend to my 19 year old daughter, and I am not exempt here either... there's a whole lotta' pain & suffering in this world, people hurtin' people...people hurtin' themselves...and without JESUS I don't see it getting any better.

I guess maybe I am a lil' too compassionate... I prolly feel too deeply...maybe I just need to get over it, let it go & let it be....GOD, help! This kinda thinkin' has led me to a deeper thought... "What is LOVE?" Does anybody really know what Love is? I do. Even through all of the pain. I do. Thank God, I have parents who are real. Who know how to love me, and thank GOD that I know that GOD LOVES me.

When our minds and our imaginations are crippled with lies about love, we have a hard time understanding the fundamental ingredient of daily living, that GOD LOVES US BEYOND WHAT WE COULD IMAGINE...HE LOVES US NOT FOR WHAT WE CAN DO FOR HIM, BUT BECAUSE HE MADE US. HE MADE ME.

The book of Hosea is a parable of GOD's love for HIS people. God told Hosea to marry a whore, a prostitute. The parallel here is that I am (we are) unfaithful to GOD when I (we) sin against HIM, when I (we) disobey HIM. He went after me at my worst, and kept after me until HE gained my trust, and made a lover out of me...me who knew nothing of real LOVE.

As soon as I began to absorb this story of redemption, I began to know GOD much more accurately. I thought I knew HIM when I thought of Him as Father God...as "The Big Guy Upstairs", the Father who was waiting to discipline me when I messed up...Yeah HE is that too, but I know that HE is not waiting for me to mess up anymore...Duh! He is omnipotent, HE knows right now all the ways I am gonna sin in the future ... ways I can't even imagine right now, ways I don't wanna imagine ever...but HE already knows and HE already loves me for ETERNITY...WOW... MIND BLOWING...isn't it? I cannot fathom it, and yet I know that I know that I am loved. Do you? Knowing you are loved does not exempt you from pain, it just helps you get through it. Life requires endurance. Loving a person just the way they are, that's no small thing. Loving a person at their worst, even when they are rebelling against you, that is Supernatural. That is what Hosea did... That's what GOD does.

More on this subject tomorrow... But to answer the question..."How do you get over it?" When you know you are loved you can get over anything...let anything go...take no offense. I know that I am loved. I sure hope you do, too!

Blessings,
Shawnie

NO MORE FOOL's Challenge!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

O'kay y'all, so we made it through the M.O.M. Challenge and I can say I am not a fool today. If you stuck with me and read through the Proverbs everyday last month you can count yourself a little older and a lil' wiser today too (April Fool's Day, 2012).

I have been workin' hard on my spiritual life, since of course a strong healthy spirit will live happily ever after throughout all of eternity...vs. the fact that this earth suit is going to perish one day! I know that whole "My body is the temple of GOD" thing, but I don't know that I have ever really taken that serioiusly, because I have really abused this temple over the years. Which has me thinkin' "what about the here and now?" I would be a fool today if I did not recognize  my failure to take care of this temple, and take responsibility for the bad choices I have made over the past year with my physical body. 

 I went militant with my diet in 2010 and bought some HCG and followed a very strict diet  for about 9 months, resulting in a 60# weight loss... and I was looking good, and very healthy since I only ate lean protein, lots of veggies and some fruit...I was so proud of myself, but then guess what? I just turned my back on that healthy lifestyle and all of the healthy lifestyle changes that I had made and then I realized that I found the weight again! It was hiding in my bad habits and aparently in my well hidden desire to self destruct. Why? Why can't I just be skinny and rich???

Why, Why, Why? I have been asking myself that ever since I quit taking the HCG and I noticed that my food choices were usually sweets, bread, unhealthy carbs...greasy fried foods or convenience foods. When I relaxed my boundaries and quit "eating clean" and working out physically on a consistant basis, I morphed into large marge... the michelin man, the pillsberry dough boy....you gettin' the picture, 'cause I am starting to hurt my feelings... I can not ignore this anymore. I am not happy with my physical body, I don't like what I see in the mirror. I can do better than this. So from now on my motto is: "YES, I AM TRYING TO EAT HEALTHY. NO I AM NOT ON A DIET!"

So here it is April Fool's day, and I do think that all of that wisdom I gained has led me to the realization that my body is my gift from GOD. I do want to take care of it! I used to work for Nutri-System in sales, and one of the sales motivators we would use was to take a look at our clients...(especially the women) notice the nicely manicured fingernails, and then I would mention to them that having those nails took time, money and their attention...in short, they had to work at having nice nails, it cost them some money and time to have those nails lookin' good. Then I would mention the fact that fingernails are so tiny, and not the first thing people notice when they look at you. What good are nice nails, when the rest of your body is so far out of shape and sloppy? (O'kay, I never used the word "sloppy" in the sales pitch!) but the point is clear. Not that I am so concerned about what others think, I mean, get real I do care, I don't want to be "Ugly Betty" I don't think anyone really does...but then I get overwhelmed at the thought of how far the journey back to thin is going to be. SO What? Every day there are 24 hours to spend either wasting on misery and pain and laziness, or self control, self respect and strength. I need to love myself. I need to figure out why I have not been loving myself, and I need to ask GOD to help me...with HIM everything is possible. I have noticed that I have not been very active lately...Crafter's butt? Maybe! Laziness, prolly'!!! SO I have decided to work this plan tomorrow: (I found it on Pinterest)

Life is such a daily thing, ya' know? It comes at ya' ready or not...I am not going to let my thoughts today write any checks that I can not cash, but I am aware of the fact that I am going to focus on some changes that will result in physical strength...now! Today. So today I decided to drink more water. I love water, but I have decided to conciously drink about 100 oz. of water per day. (Not all at once, and if I get sidetracked I will not try to cram it all in before bed!) I will commit to move my body daily and give myself 30 minutes of "ME" time when I first wake up. I will begin to prepare my food ahead of time, plan my meals and work outs and stick to the plan! I am not going on like this: tired, fat and flabby... I miss firm strong arms and a tight core... so that is what I will focus on. Strength. I'll be workin' on my fitness, (yeah, me and Fergie and a bucha' other women who have made the choice to get strong.)

So this is not really challenge, but I will be posting my progress online, since this is my online journal/blog/Bible Study thingy... If you are in leave a comment below and maybe we could start a community of people that are like minded and want to be accountable to each other... easy going, checkin' in to lift each other up or give each other tips on what is workin' and what's not!

Blessings,
Shawnie

M.O.M. CHALLENGE DAY 31

Saturday, March 31, 2012

M.O.M. CHALLENGE DAY 31

WE DID IT...YAAAAAY!
Today is the last day of this M.O.M. Chalenge (Month of March)...Now that 31 those days went by since I issued this challenge, who is 31 days wiser? I am, I am! Accomplishing a goal just feels good! Especially when it is a goal that included hurdles, and challenges, distractions and boredom...yeah, I will admit that sometimes I get bored about midway through some challenging tasks, and I think "I got this, don't need to continue..." But it is in the finishing, the completion of a job well done with a fire-y passion (not half heartedly or luke-warm) that the sense of accomplishment is gained. Bravo, y'all! Mission accomplished!

Now on to journaling my thoughts for today's reading... THE FAMOUS PROVERBS 31...Woman, she is a work of art! I imagine that she is like a modern day photo shopped magazine cover model, because she appears to be flawless, doesn't she? I am such a Proverbs 31 Poser!!! Hahaha, I admit it... I'm a wanna be! How about you? I know that if you look at me you will see all of my flaws very easily, but no worries... I have decided that I will model myself after the best role model  of all times. I believe that the BIBLE has given us the Proverbs 31 woman, not to compare ourselves to in the sense that we don't measure up, but in the sense that she is a model of perfection. The Proverbs 31 woman is to me the plumb line of perfection...even though I may be a bit off kilter or outta' whack or crooked, I know that there is a plumb line out there that I can easily go back to when I need to re-focus my goals and center myself...Acutally I have never seen or heard of a better role model in my whole life. Just read here how the BIBLE defines a good wife: PROVERBS 31 (The Message Version)

"Proverbs 31:10-31

It is hard to find a good wife, because she is worth more than rubies.
Her husband trusts her completely. With her, he has everything he needs.
She does him good and not harm for as long as she lives.
She looks for wool and flax and likes to work with ther hands.
She is like a trader's ship, bringing food from far away.
She gets up while it is still dark and prepares food for her family and feeds her servant girls.
She inspects a field and buys it. With money she earned, she plants a vineyard.
She does her work with energy, and her arms are strong.
She knows that what she makes is good. Her lamp burns late into the night.
She makes thread with her hands and weaves her own cloth.
She welcomes the poor and helps the needy.
She does not worry about her family when it snows, because they all have fine clothes to keep them warm.
She makes coverings for herself; her clothes are made of linen and other expensive mateial.
Her husband is known at the city meetings, where he makes decisions as one of the leaders of the land.
She makes linen clothes and sells them and provides belts to the merchants.
She is strong and is respected by the people. She looks forward to the future with joy.
She speaks wise words and teaches others to be kind.
She watches over her family and never wastes her time.
Her children speak well of her. Her husband also praises her, saying, "There are many fine women, but you are better than all of them."
Charm can fool you, and beauty can trick you, but a woman who respects the LORD should be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned; she should be praised in public for what she has done."

A day in the life of the Proverbs 31 woman looks like this: Her whole entire household is busy, so she gets up early to make breakfast. She works with energy and strength, and love...knowing that laziness will not feed her children. Then, after her kids are in bed, she spends hours and hours weaving. It's a time consuming task. She is not given to self pity or depression...she does not think thoughts like, "Hey, wait a minute...I am doing all the work around here!" She is tirelessly unselfish, because she knows that every work she puts her hand to doing, she does as if she was hired for the job by GOD, Himself!

She plans well, she plans ahead, she never stops planning! She is probably an extreme couponer, extremely organized and amazing cook...of course she prolly eats organic! I would imagine that she has a smokin' hot bod since she knows the importance of keeping herself fit in order to have a strong mind & a strong body. She does not need to wear flashy clothes or expensive make up, she radiates a natural beauty, and she knows how to enhance it.

Her children respect her, shoo...everyone respects her. When she speaks, it is only with words of wisdom or wit, encouragement or empathy... she never meets a stranger, and she loves everyone! She has taught her children to be kind, by her own example. Even though the task of raising kids is at times overwhelming, she generally meets each new day with expectant hope... knowing that the togetherness she shares with her family will produce an everlasting love. There is balance in her life. She looks toward the future with joy, knowing that there will be the blessing of sweet kisses from grandchildren. She looks forward to knitting socks, and making quilts to comfort them, and toys for them to play with. She looks forward to growing old with the only man she has ever been married to.

She does not let the busyness of her immediate family take her eyes off the poor. She helps the needy as she can. She stands up against the injustices that her neighbors face. She respects the wisdom of the elderly widow and enjoys spending time listening to her. She chooses to love the elderly one who has no one else to comfort her, as she offers her time and resources to lighten the load of the lonliness of old age.  She uses her time wisely! She is not a control freak, in fact she knows that she is not in control of her destiny, but she trusts in the one true GOD who is. She loves to learn at the feet of her KING, she knows she is a princess, she has a royalty mentality! She is radiantly confident, she is content.

She does not fear death, she is prepared for her eternal life, in fact she looks forward to it in faith.

I am so inspired by the Proverbs 31 woman. I can look to her example as I ask GOD to help me strengthen those areas where I know that I am weak. I am not intimidated by her in the least... because GOD has promised me HIS strength, and HE has filled me with HIS Spirit who is constantly working to instill HIS own loving character in me. HE is bending, and molding and shaping and filing me into the best version of PROVERBS 31 that I can be...YAAAY, GOD!

So, yeah...I am not perfect (yet!), but I am being perfected and that is way totally cool!
Blessings,
Shawnie

M.O.M. CHALLENGE DAY 30

Friday, March 30, 2012
M.O.M. CHALLENGE DAY 30

Almost there... we have come a long way in our challenge this month. I love one verse in particular from today's reading that sounds like a promise to me... Proverbs 30:5 "Every Word of GOD proves true. He is a shield to all who come to HIM for protection." RELAX ON THAT PROMISE AND MARINATE IN THAT WORD FOR A LIL' BIT!

All month long now we have been reminded of the wise words of GOD given to Solomon for our personal edification. Makes me wanna shout, "Thank you, GOD!" I know that just knowing the wise choice does not always insure that I will choose the wise choice, though... & that is what I am really asking GOD to help me work on now. I realize that even though I don't want to admit it, I am sometimes rebellious. Ultimately though, I don't want to be that way...because GOD does not want me to be that way. I love GOD and I do want to obey HIM. I know that sometimes obeying HIM means not doing what I want to do, or not thinking I have the ability to do what HE wants me to do. I know that I am also weak sometimes.

I know that I talked a lot about fear of man yesterday...and that really got me thinking most of the day and well into the night...what do I fear? Who do I fear? I confessed a lot of my thoughts and fears yesterday, but I did not mention that I do fear GOD, not in the sense that I think that HE is out to get me, but it is more like I know that I do not please HIM, and it makes me fearful sometimes. When I get to this point in my thinking I can only focus on one thing... JESUS ALWAYS PLEASES GOD, AND JESUS IS MY ADVOCATE, HE IS ON MY SIDE.  Just re-reading that last sentence made me think that I am implying that GOD is not on my side...well duh... that can't be true because GOD SENT HIS SON JESUS TO BE MY ADVOCATE...GOD knew I would be unfaithful, and HE loved me anyway...man, if you could see me now...my eyes are welling up with tears and my whole body just got washed with liquid love... because what I just wrote is THE TRUTH...GOD LOVES ME (AND YOU) SO MUCH that HE set up a way for us to be saved from ourselves, from our enemies and from death.There is NO REASON for anyone to live eternally away from GOD, unless you do not love HIM and obey HIM...to obey HIS WORD is to believe that there is only one way to be with HIM eternally in HEAVEN, HIS WORD says that that one way is through the GATE of JESUS CHRIST. OH thank YOU GOD that it is not up to me. Thank YOU, JESUS that you made the way for me and that you are my SAVIOUR.

Proverbs 30:11-12 reads: "Some people curse their father and do not thank their mother. They are pure in their own eyes, but they are filthy and unwashed." I know that I am clean, washed in the BLOOD OF JESUS... how about you? I did not ask if you were perfect, and I did not say that I was...but I know that I am clean...my spirit is clean. One of the ways to get clean is to wash, but there is no soap potent enough to clean my ugliness when I am thinking particularly hateful thoughts that come from unforgiveness. When there is unforgiveness in my heart or mind, could Ivory soap scrub that clean? Nope! Only Holy Spirit can bring my heart to the place of repentence, forgiveness and love... and HE does that when I submit myself to HIM.

Let's face it... it is easier to blame others for our problems than it is to admit them, right?. But when was the last time that worked out well for you? Have you ever won playing the blame game? No of course not!

Many of our problems do have their roots in the failures of others...I know mine do, and I am thinkin' yours probably do too...think about that for a minute... what problems are you facing right now, today? Did you cause those problems entirely on your own, or did you have a little help from a friend? When you have any type of relationship, you will have many opportunities to grow from problems that may come up...Isn't that interesting? No man is an island, ya know? Alhtough, there are people who become so broken and shattered by others that they try to build walls around themselves for protection, but in the end bitterness leaves a bad taste in their mouths. Who wants to be alone with bad breath! Life requires recovery from what ails us.

Maybe your parents failed to love and discipline you as they should have. But guess what? These problems have been compounded by bad decisions on your part... are you ready and willing to admit that? Are we ready to admit the mistakes that we have made? Sure things happen to us that are unjust, we have been hurt either by accident or on purpose by someone else's actions... but how we respond to those actions is totally our responsibility. HINT: FORGIVENESS MOVES YOU FORWARD, UNFORGIVENESS KEEPS YOU FROZEN.

Ask GOD right now if you are responding to  your life the way HE wants you to...go on... I dare ya'! That is what GOD is going to be looking at...how you respond to what is happening around you or what has happened to you. You can bank on the fact that HE will deal with the ones who  have hurt you, because remember...HE is jealous for you...YOU are HIS own.... so  KEEP CALM AND TRUST GOD!

Our sufferings are usually caused by a combination of factors, including the sins of others and our own sins.  Unforgiveness is rooted in pride, ask GOD if you don't believe me.

Pride says, "I am strong; I don't need anyone's help." Pride blinds us to our weaknesses and prevents us from seeking the people and the help we need... while humility says, "I need improvement; could you help me?" (Try asking that of GOD every morning as you are waking up and just watch your life change for the better!) Those of us who maintain a humble perspective, realizing that we are weak and vulnerable, will look for the help and support we need for a successful recovery. Humility will protect us from the devastation of the fall that comes from pride.

We cannot change the failures of others, now can we? But then we cannot blame our mother or father or anyone else for our wrong choices. Blame does nothing to speed up our recovery process. We can, however, change our own attitudes and actions that have perpetuated our suffering. Maturity comes as we take responsibility for our problems by forgiving those who have wronged us and by seeking forgiveness for our own sins.

By the way...You can forgive and forget. By saying. "I can forgive ____, but I will never forget what they did to me," is just another way of holding a grudge... (psst...it is not true forgiveness)... although it totally makes sense at the time you are still hurt to say that ("I can forgive, but I will never forget") to yourself or outloud, but really...guess what? It is NOT true forgivness. Can you see that?

When GOD forgives, HE wipes the slate clean...pure...done & over with...on the bottom of the ocean floor...never to be brought up again... If you have ever been betrayed, that may seem impossible, but I am here to tell you that with GOD all things are possible. LET IT GO. Don't hold on to the sharp, painful memories... be willing to forget... just forget about it and let it go. YOU will be free and GOD will be pleased. I have learned that forgiveness says, "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love GOD by obeying HIM and forgiving you." It does not say, "It's o'kay (what you did)."

As I type this I am walking out the pure & loving act of forgiveness...I am not just letting go of or ignoring someone's bad behaviour, but willfully acknowledging that it happened. Telling them that I am hurt and that I know that they made a wrong choice (a very, very, very wrong choice) that I in turn choose to forgive and let go of it, by turning it over to GOD....it is a process, like grief, it takes a lil' while to get through it... and to get it right. Ha, maybe that is why I have had so many opportunities to forgive...so many "do-overs" and tests!

Anyway, I can tell you that forgiveness will be impossible without GOD...so if you are trying, trying, trying to forgive someone or yourself, keep taking it back to GOD, be persistant in asking HIM how to do it... HE will show you, and one day, just like that (snaps fingers!) you will finally be free. True forgiveness takes strength, not weakness... true forgiveness takes a close and intimate relationship with GOD.

Blessings,
Shawnie