M.O.M. Challenge: Day 2

Friday, March 2, 2012


~* Get Wisdom *~ (Not Whizz-dumb!)

M.O.M. Challenge: Day 2

So...What's Whizz-Dumb, you ask? Well my Poppa used to tease me and joke around (he meant no harm) and he would say, "See my finger? See my thumb? Gee Whizz your dumb!" Yeah, I know that seems harsh, but Poppa was a joker! I know he loved me, but sometimes he would shock me with his unusual humor.

So anyway, one day I was thinkin' about the word "WISDOM" and in my head I saw it spelled "whizz~dumb"! I got to thinkin' about what Poppa used to say and I realized that even though it was a silly rhyme, since he was my grandfather I had to wonder, "Did he  know something I didn't? Did he think I really was dumb?" Then I got to thinkin'..."Wow, maybe I am dumb! Maybe I am the little retarded girl that just sorta' tries to fit in, but she doesn't quite"...ya know? Maybe nobody wants to tell me that I am actually retarded, because they don't want to label me as different, or  maybe they don't want me to use my retarded~ness as an excuse not to try? Maybe no one wants to hurt my feelings...Perhaps my condition is so obvious to everyone else that immediately everyone who meets me just "knows" that I am dumb so they make things extra difficult for me to make me smarter! Like the bionic woman! 

Nah, prolly not! But seriously, sometimes my life is really hard & I just don't even get the point of any of it! I mean this really does happen to me a lot: sometimes people take one look at me and I can see them sizing me up in their mind, now what is that all about?   Retarded? or just different from the rest? I actually had this thought once: maybe some doctors diagnosed me as severely retarded as a baby and decided that they wanted to use me as a human experiment and just let me live a normal life...kinda like the exact opposite of The boy in the plastic bubble!"

What a vivid imagination, huh? No...none of that stuff actually took place of course! How silly, but my thoughts were very real to me. Let me tell you... that theory really began to take off in my teens when I didn't fit in...I was so awkward during those teen years, and so full of drama, and I actually hated myself. My mind was often hi-jacked by horrible untrue thoughts. Thoughts that I had to learn to take control over. Thoughts that did not lead me to the LOVE of GOD.

When I would get really frustrated at myself (for being so dumb) I would just cry. That happened a lot! There was no other outlet for me when I was young (like under 15). When I got a little older I tried really hard to fit in. I began to hang out with a few people who were seeking an escape from their own pain... then I entered the rebellious drug years. Thank GOD that season is over. I no longer look to drugs or alcohol to "escape".  Although I can not honestly say I have not thought about it...Life can be very painful...people can be harsh daily... even if there were no one to "blame" there is still inner turmoil that we all have to navigate around. O'kay maybe no one else thinks that they are retarded, but everyone has to deal with that inner chaos at some point...because there is a war going on...it is a battle for you soul!

Sometimes I feel like someone turned out the lights and its really dark in here... (here in my head...Do you realize this is my journal and these random thoughts are just coming outta' my head & finding their way into cyber space?) I know that in darkness my enemies hide. I guess that is why THE BIBLE tells us to take every thought captive in 2 corintians 10:5 I really like the way THE MESSAGE version puts it:

2 Corinthians 10:5

The Message (MSG)

^3-6The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.    (Now that is what I call WISDOM~ Thanks Paul!)

Self~Perception is important! I no longer think that I am dumb... I may not have all of the answers, but now I know that I am not dumb! I am a child of GOD. I am seeking more wisdom and finding it in the book of Proverbs!

So here's what I do now when I need an escape... Instead of using my imagination to tear myself down, I now use my imagination to build up my relationship with GOD. I run to HIM. JESUS is my escape, HE is the LIGHT and in HIM there is no darkness. I have found my "center" peace through HIM. My peace is found in spending time with my DADDY (GOD). I spend a lot of time in my imagination, just sittin' back on HIS big ole' lap (the lap of luxury~hehe) soakin' up the SON! (a lil' play on words there!) But seriously I have a blessed imagination. When the goin' gets tough, I go somewhere quiet...I close my eyes and imagine I am with GOD. I talk to HIM and pour myself out. He already knows all about it, but I spill my guts. Its not always a slobbering boo-hoo fest, often it is a "Thank You" fest. Thank You Daddy for tellin' me the TRUTH about who I am...I am Yours...Thank You GOD for not lettin' the darkness swallow me whole. Thank You Daddy for loving me with no make up on my face and when I over eat and when I act real dumb. Thank You for shining YOUR light in the darkest corridoors of my mind. Thank You for loving me even when I am feeling unlovable and fat.

I often feel unloveable, but obviously that is not THE TRUTH...that is what I call "WHIZZ~DUMB!" It is: GEE~WHIZZ~DUMB! I am already cleansed because I R.S.V.P.'D on JESUS invitation to bathe my sins (past, present & future) in HIS blood. He washes me white as snow. I can not tell you that I understand that completely, but that is what GOD's WORD promises, so I am just gonna' trust HIM. I trust my Daddy!

I am the centered calm in the middle of my family's storms because I am calmed and centered on the GREAT I AM...(I call HIM Daddy!) I get to forgive the storm for raging because that is what a storm does, but it does not have to affect me adversely...No, in fact it causes me to call out to my Daddy, to find HIM and to run to HIM. I imagine myself scurrying up onto HIS lap where I am complete and safe! When I imagine myself sittin' on Daddy GOD's lap I lean back onto HIS chest. With my ear pressed in close I am listening for HIS heartbeat! I am detatched from chaos because chaos is not part of GOD's nature...therefore it cannot be my nature! I sit back and ask GOD for HIS wisdom and HE teaches me.

Proverbs 2:1 begins with the words, "My Child..." ...mmmm...I love knowing that I am a child of GOD! A child of Wisdom. Here wise ole' Solomon encourages us... "tune your ears to wisdom and concentrate on understanding." Ya' see? Listen to the heartbeat of Daddy. It takes practice. Singers practice, musicians (no matter how blessed with talent) practice,  and even a baby grand piano needs tuning occasionally~ interesting random thought: my Poppa used to be a piano tuner!

Proverbs 2:1 reminds me that we don't just "get saved" once, we experience salvation. Let me explain that: YES...JESUS did HIS job completely ~*ONCE*~ and for that I am eternally grateful...but "working out my Salvation" is an ongoing thang!!! It is growth, it is death, it is re-birth
                                                                       ~*IT IS LIFE *~ 

In my imagination I can experience sitting on Daddy's lap listening to HIS heartbeat... I am trying to breathe in HIS breath! When HE breathes out I quickly breathe in deeply to catch HIS breath in my lungs, and then I breathe out and I imagine HIM catching my breath in HIS big ole' lungs! The exchange continues on for some time... and then... HE gazes down at me lovingly...our eyes connect...Without a word HE lets me know that HE knows what I am trying to do...I am trying to "recycle" HIS very breath... it is so valuable to me...  I don't want to just waste it...or let it escape ... HE smiles at me with that sparkle in HIS eyes that tells me HE delights in me. I linger on these thoughts, because I don't want to waste this moment with HIM. I am at peace. I need nothing, but this moment. I love my Daddy. I love my GOD given imagination & I love to FOCUS it onto HIM!

In this chapter today Solomon warns us about evil people. They are out there, God knows who they are, and HE exhorts us to get wisdom so that we can stay away from them. NOT TO MARRY THEM! (oops, did I say that out loud?!?!?!) I guess my point with that last comment is that sometimes I may think my spouse is evil, but only GOD knows his heart...I know right from wrong and when I see people I love doing wrong I think its just plain evil. I will just leave that alone there, we all got stuff right? I choose to let the people I love and do life with be just that...people I love... Not my blog content!

That said...this blog is what I am learning through my life experiences, and I do want to share those experiences here in my blog... but I am not here to air my dirty laundry ~* there's a fine line there & I'ma try real hard not to cross it!!!  No name calling or character bashing, no matter what I am going through...because going through implies that I will come out on the other side...sharing life with people is tough...but I do believe that wisdom can be "got" through relationships. Good stuff, I am not implying that "live & learn" has to mean learn what not to do... it might just mean to learn what's workin' and work it baby!!!! (I am preachin' to the choir here!!!)

Ok, back to Wisdom (I actually never left it!) I have to say that when you feel like you are livin' in a boxing ring ~ don't forget to "bob & weave"! (It is an art, like a dance actually!!!) I know that I have been given a voice and a brain (and wisdom) and I know that it is imperative and the loving thing to do use my voice. To teach, to correct and to admonish with love and respect...DO NOT TRY TO TEACH ANYTHING through fussin' and cussin' out of frustration or while you are tired in the "ring".  Crawl up on Daddy's lap & get in rhythem with HIS heartbeat, BREATHE in HIS breath deeply and as you let it out, begin to talk to HIM...I talk to HIM in the quietness of my calm & centered (on HIM) thoughts! It is really cool when I have quieted myself down enough so that I can hear HIM talk! That is when the TRUTH & WISDOM comes out! It is sooo worth waiting for... & it took a lot of practicing for me to get quiet enough to listen!

My Life Recovery BIBLE (LRC) has some really great footnotes. the footnote for Pr 2:1-9 says that GOD will protect us and instruct us on how to make good decisions. "We may not have made great decisions in the past, and now we may be suffering the consequences of those decisions. But when we put our trust in GOD, HE will guide us in the decisions we should make in order to experience a full recovery." Wisdom is like a hidden treasure, found only by those who search for it...(Trust me, I am diggin' deep!) "None of us set out to become addicted to something. We were seeking something else ~ escape from pain, perhaps, or something to make up for our losses and brokenness ~ OR MAYBE WE HAD A SUBCONSCIOUS DESIRE FOR SELF -DESTRUCTION." (LRB p.789) hmm? Self-Destruction? Really?
"...Oh ~ Please Daddy GOD ~ Don't let me get me!"
Blessings,
Shawnie